sitting down to talk

2010-12-25T15:59:00.003+08:00

we once stood at the edge of the world. looking down on all those bright, glimmering and colorful lights. the moment was consuming us. faster than how we'd have wanted it. but it still happened anyway. and from then on, sadly, it was a downward spiral.

but do you remember?

before we got to that edge, it was a long arduous climb. we endured without knowing where exactly we wanted to go. each waking day was a toll, but it was something we had to be burdened with. something we both had to get over. someday, somewhere, somehow, we didn't know then. and little did we know at that time, that once we've gotten over the hump that oh so loomed before us, we'd find the best of happiness on the other side. how, and with who we find it. we still didn't know.

each day passed as if normally. together, we treaded through. hand-in-hand we saw the world for its beauty and flaws. unconscious of what was happening within. in our minds, the end-goal remained the same. far away, was still the hump that oh so loomed. however, there were silent moments wherein we took our eyes off that end-goal and simply looked at the sides. you on the right, me on the left. and what we found was spectacular. yes, i've spoken about the world, it's beauties and flaws. but what's more interesting for you and me are the flaws. the unrequited ugliness, uncontrollable boorishness, and just the general misdemeanor of some. yes, this is what we dwell upon in our spare time. and this was also where we realized...

...and just like that. it goes unfinished. as always.

i never knew that we already took a detour at one point. i actually thought the reason why the hump that oh so loomed was suddenly vanishing was that we were on it already. but no. we weren't on it at that time. we never crossed it together. not that we never did individually anyway.

and before we even knew it, there we were, on the edge of the world. the glimmering lights blinding our eyes. the world was pretty amazing from where we stood. all the tiniest of details coming together to form a spectrum that was perfectly in sync. we talked of dreams. of how we'd enter that spectrum someday. we'd start small, a tiny spec in that whirlwind. but we didn't dream of getting consumed just like everyone else. no, we said we'd come out like a supernova, bursting for all the right reasons. and our supernova would be great. we were sure of it.

but just like a dream, when one wakes up, he/she realizes the once beautiful world was just a farce of his/her imagination (probably). we're not entirely sure though of how this works.

we once stood at the edge of the world. looking down on all those bright, glimmering and colorful lights. the moment was consuming us. faster than how we'd have wanted it. and when everything was starting to clear out. something was wrong. you were alone.

***

the years have passed and i don't know if you still remember the exhilaration, the thrill, and the tingles. we once stood at the edge of the world, ready to jump, in, together. but you were left alone.

but i'm glad you still did anyway. now, it's my turn. our end goal remained the same all through these years. who would've thought?

i hope to see you there someday, starting your supernova, when i jump in.

i know i'm a little late. very late in fact.

2010-07-21T19:38:00.001+08:00

the oxymoron man.

loathe, everyone always feels
the same about this, however you
stand out of the rest, in the battlefield,
on one side, is vile and repulsive,
on the other, is keen and full of acumen,
and these two they fail to marry, no one ever sees
how this battle can be won.
but i can.

people fail to look
past, that in your masterplan, this
is how everything should fall into
place, because you were never
concerned about what they
though about anyway, and you shouldn't.

because, that's the right way,
it never was easy, and to go where you're going,
it didn't call for easy,
from before until now, easy was never the case,
you learned it sooner,
and the sooner, you also gain.

you can be one and the other.
that's just really fantastic.
no bullshit.

2009-06-14T13:33:00.001+08:00

Sometimes the world plays tricks with our beings. It tells us to do certain things which we are afraid of. Things that we may have forgotten or simply trampled upon in our fast paced lives. Things that have been pushed back deep into our minds for us to remain in solace, to remain comfortable with how things are. Undisturbed.

And funny enough, the world is not alone. Popular concepts like fate and destiny take their turn to scream into ou ears, barging into our heads to give us ideas, thoughts, scenarios and words we never knew we could muster, utter or feel.

***

Through all the treasured words and pictures, our memories, there stands one. The night’s solemnity becomes unbearable once I realize that I am alone. The silence, the tranquility, freezes and covers me. And there are times that I simply fall down, feeling my body against the ground. Images escape how I mustered to get back up at my feet. I remember trying to find the moon, only to realize that it isn’t there, something seems to be covering it. I can feel it close to me. As it was always.

For and through the darkness, something must be said.

Then as I stand up, far away I can see the sun rising. It feels like I just woken up. I’m not sure how long my slumber was. But there’s that heavy feeling you get once you over or under-sleep. My head is aching. Blurry, messed and tossed up. A twisted haze of simple colors. Yet so rejuvenating. As if comfort. It looks like it’s similar to all the rest when it wasn’t. It never was.

And when the light shone trough, be ready to reach it.

I try to get by the day, a moment at a time. Everything around me suddenly seems slower as it should be. I try crying out to where I need to go, to who I need to find. Yet there is only silence for me. And again, I couldn’t help but feel alone. Indeed, everything was the same. For so long, it seemed that I had refused to accept that. But really, I already knew. I knew nearly everything. But it wasn’t enough to move anywhere.

For all the words, unspoken moments and quiet memories, make them all last.

And the day ends with me realizing that nighttime will come again. Darkness and solemnity will once more envelope and consume myself until I simply feel loneliness. I am dreading that moment, each and every night. Like a fire that keeps burning. Holding it up against the night, still, it remains really dark. And yet, there’s really no better way to end it all.

And when the fire pushes to the brink, be ready not to fall.

In the quiet nighttime sky, we see a lot of small dots. Some may be stars, some are not. And some of these heavenly bodies may still be alive, and some not. But in simply taking the entire sky as a whole, looking at each small dot sparkle in its own right and place, just realizing the entire symmetry of everything, how it may seem to have been individually woven in their places, there’s beauty, continuity, stability some and peace. And yet, there still lingers confusion and loneliness. And just like the dots in the sky that glow and sparkle, we. You.

Right or wrong reasons, just give it chance.

***

And even though the whole world starts screaming and hurling all their crazy words and ideas at you. And even though you feel it’s fate and destiny finally taking over to shape your life and path. And even though you feel that it’s the right thing to do. The thing you’ve been wanting to do ever since.

When all of this starts to happen, and these thoughts, scenarios and words are right in front of your face, and you start to take slow, timed breaths. Running in your head is that chance, the possibility of rightness, of happiness. What now?

Even if it really hurts a lot, sometimes, what you need to do is simply say, no, and walk away.

Leaving it all behind.

2008-06-06T00:00:00.002+08:00

we've come to a point wherein the stoplights blink red and where them old rusty doors seem to just not open anymore. we slam oursleves against the glass only to feel the cold moist seep in through our cheek as we try to desperately grasp what's left of the heat outside. yes, we have reached the end. and right now, it's still too surreal. the emotions. its like, a rollercoaster, a tilt-a-whirl, spinning, zooming, stopping, freezing, burning, then there is nothingness. and it seems that the life within ourselves has been sucked out by the eternal darkness that is nothingness. we're stuck. and we probably knew that from the start. but as always, we had hoped otherwise. and we failed.

yes. we have failed to realize why we were here. or for the better part, what is it out there, that people say, is the "so-called better"? we have come to be familiarized with so many different names, symbols, acronyms, meanings, but in the end, all, if not a majority of us, look back, then we try to smile, but only to feel the weight of what we have become, drowning our smile and pulling our joys apart. and we can only whimper, "why? how? where? when?" and as we come back to our senses, fuly realizing that which is inevitable, the apparent end, for now, of our so-called web, of our so-called everyday-ness, of our so-called-mundane-ness. it disappoints us that we haven't seen the big picture.

we have been accustomed to paying attention to details, then putting them together. we take a second to look back, breathe in what we have, piece everything mentally, analyzing whether all of it is in its rightful place. then there we have it, a realization, an understanding, a belief, a principle, a goal, an ambition, a direction, a way. but of course, we have also come to realize that the system in its own way is flawed. well, isn't everything on its own? but this is how we have come to grow up and how we have come to approach life.

and as we repeat, its disappointing. it's sad that for once, when we see the big picture, we don't find anything. there seems to be no path or direction, realization or understanding that would serve deepen even a small part of ourselves. maybe its the sight of seeing others so comfortable that prevents us from seeing what we really need to see. and i know that there's something more than what i have here. there's something to practically everything before me. for a while, we stop and consider, we close our eyes, we hear our breaths slowly escape our nostrils, only to be consumed in the air, then we feel the air brush by our skin, like a soft baby's touch, we feel a little lighter, a little happier... it happens around us. always. it does. and it really blows our minds off. we are confused.

we had hoped to find the answers. we had hoped to shed light on that which we question. but now what we have is a divided front. two sides the prove to have stable foundations.

i know what i want, and where i will go. it is just waiting for me, and i am eager to see it.

i know what i want, and i don't know where i'll go. i believe that nothing and something waits for me out there. there is hope.

there always was and then. there always will be and now.

and now, the big question looms like it hasn't before.

where?

2008-05-17T02:55:00.002+08:00

the moments were there. they've always been. it all started on that summer of '06. i had become delusional. too good for my own sakes. and yet it remained but a dream, a figment of my faded imagination at least at that time. i had other things to be preoccupied with. and come to think of it, that time, it wasn't a dream. more like of a solution to what had been going on. i felt that it needed to be done to get out of that big rut that i dug myself in. it felt like a last resort but i knew it'd never be possible for the fact that it had never been done before. and though it'd come up here and there, it'd get shut down by the powers that be. it frustrates me sometimes but that's how life plays, right? yeah, it is. i've learned to downplay life and in the process pass by some bumps that may have worked to my advantage. but, stubborness goes into play. yes, i am stubborn, i dream, but it sometimes gets stuck in dreamland, never actually realizing it. i fool myself that someday it is going to happen. i even imagine it to the last detail. and usually it goes like this.

they loom, and i am but a small being. it is true, i am small compared to these giants. and pitiful me, i look left, i look right, no one. the air is thick and breaths are short and quick. im not used to it. i look to my left again, but this time not in search for someone. the lights give me the ray of hope that all this might not be too bad after all. and i still think of the chances of some serendipitous moment happening. it all sounds encouraging. but let's face the facts. i am alone. there is no one. no one. everyone has become but blocks and pixels. the events that i am familiar become but snippets. small tiny isolated events that have lost all their spirit and vigor. and yet i live with these things. too much, too much for an already troubled mind. i concentrate back to looking at my sides. im waiting. its been far too long. its been long due. but i deserve it. i knew it had to come down to this. besides, everything was pointing at this direction, and it's right that i actually go. and here i am, its all too surreal, something i could never imagine or comprehend. am i home? my breaths escape, and for a while, im frozen still. and the only warmth running through my body comes from the tune that i knew would be playing when i'm here. as i said, its been long due, and it still hasn't settled in me. .... lalala.... we took the U-bahn...

And there it goes. again and again. i know it too well. too well.

but then again, it saddens me. it does, really. it draws closer, and i feel it impending. and weirdly, i think it's all becoming real. slowly, slowly. it's possible.

and there's nothing that's going to stop me. there should be nothing at least. i don't intensely desire many things. come to think of it, this is the only thing that i feel such.

whether that's good or bad, we're not too sure. i'll find out soon. real real soon.

2008-04-27T19:51:00.002+08:00

against the backdrop that looms before me. it was all once but a dream. and now i am here, standing before the long road that goes home. eventually it should at least. i remember the faint stories people used to tell me, of the limitless opportunities and the endless seasons. it all repeats itself too many times but you learn to love it. have i loved it?

i tell myself i do and yet there's this little voice in my head that tells me that this isnt where i'm going to end up. maybe. yet i still don't know. sometimes i wonder whether i may just be forcing myself to ride that train and get off to where people believe i should be. and i believed with them. i squeezed myself like a sardine in the can and beared the toils of the world with my fellow man. and yes, i did feel one with them. the rays of the sun shimmering on my skin. its very hot these days but we've got to do what he have to do. and that's how it all goes for us. and just like the stories of before, pretty endlessly really. we don't see it, but it's that way. all the movements, up, down, left, right, it doesn't matter. we all get stuck in that web and even though we reach the end of it, we find ourself going back the center, amongst the tangles, shambles, tears and laughs. and with them i wonder, is that all that we can do? is that all we can ever hope for? there has got to be another way. i always felt that there is another way. someone used to make me believe that i wasn't cut out, that there really existed another ecosystem, another life force outside of that web we all get tangled in.

and for a while i believed, i really did, changing how i viewed the world completely. that our fates should never be tied up to that web. deceit, lies, confidentiality, seperate functioning spheres of the life stream, and we hurl ourselves into all that. we never know what to expect but we have an inkling that this and that is gona happen. and thinking of all these things makes me squirm but there is no room to do so. and just like the web, there isn't any room sometimes, there's this dead end wall and as much as we all try to scale it we slam back to the cold floor, the warmth escaping our veins and then we become similar to all those lifeless, cold spheres. we all become silhouettes of what we used to be, fire, fuel, hope, change.

and as the train nears its stop, one by one, we file out of our confines, only to be confined yet again. where did it all go wrong? how does hardhip beget more hardship? where has the indefiniteness gone in all of us?

i don't have the answers right now, but i hope to get them after a month's time.

2008-04-05T23:33:00.002+08:00

somber, broken, faint, fake goodbyes.

the world turns and im stuck. to where? to how? to why? i didn't force myself to wake up each day that it would all finally come into place. cause i always knew it'd all work anyway. and when that day came, same as every other day, i was ready as always. it all faded away. where has everything gone to? as swift as smoke, it vanishes to thin air. vanishing to thin air as well.

and until now. it shall not be spoken.

***

it's 11:30pm and im still here in the airport. the flight was supposed to leave 2 hours ago. who knows what time i'll get back and get away.

2007-12-25T16:37:00.000+08:00

and i wished.

hazy. walking down that brick walkway. it was one of the firsts. far from everything that we were familiar. i can remember seeing that monument, and all we could do was laugh. it was funny cause we couldn't believe we were actually there emulating all those that went before us. it was fun. it was fun. and we lived in silence, and no one ever heard, even the laughter and whispers. no, it was all barred from the world. and for a while, it actually worked.

and after that bogged down night. starting like any other night, you and i proceeded down the same walkway that was already all too familiar. the same walkway of before. of now and tomorrow? that's still not yet sure though. and as fate my have it. boom... boom... boom... boom. it scattered all throughout. boom. getting drowned. boom. getting lost. boom. already immersed. boom. and it all happens just like a fairy tale. and what's more is that only you and i can ever attest to what happened. there were no people passing by. there were no stars that looked down. and somtimes that makes me sad. it makes me really sad.

everyday. you and i never asked for most of the things to happen, yet it did and they do. and all we can do, is sometimes, is to just let go. like you did, already three times before. and i had to just keep holding on. and i'd raise you up from that endless fall that you'd take. raise you up again and again.

just like every night in the end. and i'd still zoom staright into the welcoming darkness. but this time it's in the other direction. and i'd still see opposite fleeting things. absent minded. i've always been and you'd always space out. you and i wouldn't ask why. maybe right now was all too precious, still. and everything seems still for a moment. i'll be yours. as always has been, and without doubt. it builded up that way. jump right. and at most times you and i would be worlds apart in what we think and how we feel. jump left. and sometimes the roads just don't meet yet you and i tend to find each other just waiting at the opposite corners of the street. standing still, waiting. our faces illumined by the lamps that be and then it all starts to fade away. wastes me. it does, you and i know it. breaks me. it breaks you too. why so scared? and it all started out like that. kill some time. i'd always do, and with you too. put your arms around me. and just like that last night where we only had all the trees around us as witnesses.

and it always has been only you and i that understood.

and now. it's only.

you.

2007-12-03T00:55:00.001+08:00

i need time to recollect my thoughts. deep breaths.

buh. bah. beh. bih. boh. boo.

2007-11-03T00:15:00.000+08:00

if only.

the day has finally come. and i've been waiting for this too long a time. too long that i just sit around and countdown the endless seconds until today. and then i look at what has past, and indeed, it is wonderful. it is a mystery. yet its is spectacular. it's gona be stellar. and right from the start, it always was. and you and i hoped nothing will ever change. and nothing did. everything's the same. it is stellar. how everything happened. detours and such. but we went beyond that. almost died, but still went further.

above the sky, amongst the stars. i should be asleep right now. everything around me is like one big lullaby pushing me to close my eyes to the wonder of darkness. but i can't do that. not now. not for a while. not for the days to come. and so i lay awake. and again the darkness drags on until like it's never gona end. oh, i can't wait for the lights, the beautiful esplanade and the cultural hotpot. i can't wait. i now feel giddy like a child.

and then it comes down to this. again. highway lights. i can see them shimmer on my face and the black leather seats that emmanate from this poor excuse of a corona. and again, this shimmering consumes my mind and takes me to another realm wherein i believe in a lot of things. believing in things i used to believe, i want to believe and will believe. it all comes back and it's my time to shine. but it isnt the same. yet. i know that. but nonetheless, it all remains pretty. the symmetrical balance of everything, the moment, the breaths, the silence, the serenity. it is beautiful. beautiful. just like you. but you were never known for beauty. but that was according to them. but whoever cared about what they said. apparently you did. and it took one hell of a war to get you out of that. and when i open my eyes, and i see the lights passing by, then there are new lights, but not for long, they pass again. i still look forward to those lights. and you gave them a whole different meaning. they don't stand for the fear and rush that comes with speed anymore.

rest. i need it one way or another. *edit. too obvious if start describing what i feel here. let's just leave it boyishness. and that's what's weird about it. boyish? is that actually supposed to mean anything? i hope it doesn't. nothing's supposed to change. maybe im anticipating what's to come. maybe i'm not. but i probably am.

fleeting time. there's no moment enough to capture the stellar-ness that emmanates from you. from me. no, nothing is ever enough. just like all the nights before. there was none that was capped of perfectly. i used to wonder why that was so but now i see the point. and yes, the moments are not enough. nothing will ever capture what's there. no emotion will trap the moments shared. laughter, useless conversations, useless fights, useless decisions, useless studying, amazing humor, amazing wavelength, amazing thoughts, spectacular dreams, spectacular smile, killer smile, suicide. no, nothing will be enough to explain your enigma. my enigma. and we walk like there is nothing. nothing at all. it is still safe to assume all that. assume nothing. while it's still beautiful. and we're cute that way. the stellar-ness of nothing.

empty, useless, amazing moments. we can admire this city all day, all night. and we don't need to say a word. we don't even need to look at each other. we don't even need to see each other by each other's side. there is nothing we need to express or say when everything has already been laid out before us. and it's up to us to interpret and do the picking. the emptiness that is us. we can wonder why there is filipino admist all the foreigners. and it won't tire us. oh no. we'll even make a parody of it. of this and that. just like always. just like always. the uselessness is the one which drives us to where we need to go. to where we are now. beautiful beautiful city lights by an esplanade. these tiny dots blur themselves on the water and we needn't realize that they are all special. they become special because of us. we make them special with our amazingness, despite the flies and poorness. but we have no choice, back there, that's the only place where the tiny lights of the city are truly pretty. the first. and only. we don't need to reenact what happened. because it's already happening. and i couldn't ask for more.

and after 6 days. it's all over. im back to sitting. and watching the seconds endlessly go by.

i can only wish. oasis sums up everything:

he sits up on a throne, he lives a sleazy lie, but he's all alone again, again. i can see a liar, sitting by the fire, trouble in his heart, he's laughing at the thought, coming as he goes, into overdose, i wonder what he feels to me.

2007-11-02T02:55:00.000+08:00

it's 3am. and i'm waiting for my enlistment time. i am sleepy. really sleepy. this is turning out to be a really exciting entry. will try to write one before school starts. for now. a haiku.

(untitled)

aye, the darkness falls
the hovering curtain calls
good morning sunshine.

2007-10-15T02:45:00.000+08:00

and here i stand again.

before. seeing endless highway lights that pass by. they guide me home. it has always been a long journey home. each time, it was well worth it. i risk running into the craziest nomads and hobos on the street. i'd go at 80 then 100 then probably 115. but even by that time, i knew i'd get scared. out of control. everything was. as such, always like that. but i never found it in me to... i'd accelerate on the asphalt and i'd vaguely hear the rubber grinding and brushing against it. i'd be consumed by the night that apparently envelopes me. and all of a sudden. i'd always be surpirsed that it was nighttime. i'd immerse in the glorious sunlight to find myself drowning in the sorrows of the shade. i would hear faint sounds. broken tunes singing, whispering. always aware of what was going. at that point, i'd feel like i knew what everybody else is doing. i knew how everything else will move. i knew how tp make things right, for me, for the world. i knew.

then. i'd never stop by. nor do i drop the window. i'd always look at the clock. 2:00am. it's always a long night. and before that nothing ever happens the way they are supposed to happen. but it's always beautiful that way. it's always sweeter and better. call me weird, but i happen to find serenity on those moments. and even now, it remains hard. there it shimmers then fades away. shimmers then fades. and then it'll be lost. but then it will revive. the dreams they dont mean anything. or should they.

great valley. it isn't as magical as the one in land before time. there are no green lushes of trees, bushes, grass and such. it's a barren wasteland. and there stands two figures. alone. what remains to be said. and there. and then. and how. and when. and where. and who. and why. the tears remain trapped. they wait and wait. but there's no time. not yet. not now. soon. and i'd just come to know this by being.

royal crowne plaza. it's a huge building with a red glare about it. there's just something uncomfortable about it. and what i always knew came true. could this have been a manifestation? a sign? i wanted to believe it to be so. and i grow weary of whatever this has to tell. i'm just really really tired.

there's a link between the incohrences.

and just weeks ago, when dark clouds shadowed the sky. the sun receding into the blanket of th night. and all the stars faded in the recesses of space. and not one speck of light to illumine anything.

don't you just love this. and for a while, everything was going fine. and the whole world was blind. when subtleties like down there, or far away. no one noticed. no one was bound/supposed to notice. and i just had to bask in all the secrecy and darkness that surrounded everything. gentle taps, pats, brush, hush. escaping all the glares and glances that ever came that way. and for a while, there was silence. and i could've lived with that silence for months to come. but then people start asking dangerous questions and in turn get untruthful dangerous lies. lies begetting more lies. piling up into one stinking mountain of deceit, hatred and such. such a mountain stood in front of me. but i saw it crumble down, slowly. then faster. until it was gone. then i had the half of the world stand before me. they were in awe. i looked at them blankly. and they looked back and nodded. and from there everything was good. but the other half still have their backs on me. but that doesn't matter now. yet. and don't you just love this?

red and yellow. how sweet the morning starts. and again and again. the same thing. but you hear no complaints. and it always has to end that way. when i'm so used in ending like this, going along there. then gone. there, somewhere where i once knew. and once walked on, almost all the days of my life. each day, under sweltering heat. bearing. bearing. for. but all that seems far away. and then i just had to return to reality. creaking steps. farting sounds. maybe, this is a new era. and everything that seemed so familiar, now, all blurred up.

and then came that sweet poem. then everything else follwed. "follow through"

i don't like myself much these days. it's gone. something usually happens when it happens. it's happening right now.

oh. sweet melodies in my head.

do you want to come over and kill sometime. put you arms around me.

2007-10-02T02:11:00.000+08:00

it's all happening so fast.

here i am. 2am. still doing a paper, which by the way is not for anything academic *sings to the tune of: "Hawak-kamay Di kita iiwan sa paglakbay Dito sa mundong walang ..." * sigh. whatever happened to those nights? and as me and my friends usually talk about, whatever happened to us? where did time go? why are we now stranded?

elegance. in one way or another. it was.

be kind to animals especially giraffes. but would you believe it. the most productive one eever.

ANIMO LA SALLE. too bad chino wasn't there. *tear

im just blabbing on randomly right now. the blog is a ghost town. no i'm not cool.

i'm your uncool, weird, gay looking, average geek boy.

should i be more like vincent? nah. i dont think so.

drumstick.

penoy.

yay!

the best line of the night:

"dean's list o dein's list?" :)

2007-09-09T23:56:00.000+08:00

Between Our Everyday Lines

we are there, only there
through creaky steps, laughter
resonates the entire room
of red and yellow, the mornings
come alive and well, on deck
of the pirate ship, our
captain leads us, to the abyss
of endless fields and walks, we love
to watch the sky above, birds flying
overhead, variably fixed, the fight
will not last, and as we see
the persian, beside tiles, our
hopes fly away to the wind, awakening
to the poorness of today, meanness
that surround and resonate, absolute
silence, wanting to always understand, one day
everything will be crystal, the gems
the gold, the money, you love
to swim against the current, forgetting
the emotions, the dreams, i love
seeing everything come into play, far
away every week, we try
to come back to our homes, unscathed, untouched
by the hands that bind us, under the tables
we crawl out into the day, looking
always for somewhere new, to eat
is something we have lost, and we'll subsequently lose
our small worlds, families interconnected
and forming binding ties of assurance, the people
mostly don’t know what’s happening, our own ties
break and fall apart, without gaining any attention
from the close ones, to see each first
bright sunlight, the wishes
churn away into the fires, we light
them all on our own, to see them sway
dance, act, your unknowns
swallow us whole and we get lost, trying to fight
the battles of everyday, together
in entering our ship, separately we leave
without weariness, i am always
looking forward to seeing the end, drastically you
always quickly fall to slumber, you’re always
slow to get up and face everything, once again
the blocks that party around us, the loveless modernity
that binds all of us always
that binds us always.

***
took a lot of effort and thinking in writing that poem. whew.

2007-08-31T00:27:00.000+08:00

here's to remembering, remembrances, memories and such.

and how do you deal with something that got away. twice. waking up every morning. thinking. maybe. sigh. then it already is a not. sigh again.

people may know that i vividly remember most of my dreams and i actually have a little notebook where i write down all of them. it's fun to recount the funny and even scary ones. i'm not a believer of our dreams being some psychic or some astrological mumbo jumbo. maybe they are. then again, maybe they aren't. dreams may also be just subconscious thoughts. probably the most reasonable explanation. despite all this, however, sometimes, i can't help but wonder what some of my dreams mean. they just come at a time so perfect or unexpected that when i wake up, it all seems surreal. whew.

it feels like it's an ordinary day. i'm walking along secwalk, with the circle and queen. what's new. i'm always with them anyway. we're going to some play in the rmt. beyond the point right now what play that is. we enter, it is dark. we take our seats. nothing happens. or should there be? haha. but then i feel something bugging me. it seems that i have left something back at ctc or in the som area. so i go back. a blurry walk. i pass by secwalk. and i see the japanese new haircut and the washboard. infinite moments fleeting, but never felt. never. ever? i get my forgotten thing and head back. and there again these two people i meet. they walk with me. and washboard decides to go ahead. there's something new. there has always been something new. never a static moment. the japanese one lives up the expectation.

sigh.

i'm too tired right now to explain what just happened in that paragraph above. but that probably summed up what i have been thinking about the whole day today and yesterday. haha.

2007-08-02T23:59:00.000+08:00

Things that don’t happen everyday.

The moments when we tried make you laugh were enough for me. Yes, they were. I’m very glad that I was there. The few times you’d nudge and move your hands. I know you knew that we were there. We were with you. You knew we wouldn’t leave you behind. And we didn’t. We never would and did. We didn’t want to say goodbye. But we just had to. We had to.

What happened tonight hit me so hard. I heard my mom cry inside the car and it just made me realize how pathetic I am with things I get sad about. These were genuine tears of grief, uncontrollable sadness just seeping out. And when I remember all the times that I ‘pseudo’ get sad about, trying to feign tears. I feel pathetic.

Maybe I am.

Things won’t be the same.

2007-07-31T03:54:00.000+08:00

tonight, i can go insane. the walls are caving in. and the dim light at my left grows dimmer and dimmer.

and what has happened to me? really, seriously. what has happened? there's one point in time that i just had to lose it. i just had to lose everything. and yet i am regaining nothing. and so how does anything suffice? they won't. thing don't turn out the way they're supposed and the world usually turns around. you see the backs of te whole world and everything could just blow up right now. and no. yes, no. it always has been a no. and whether i am getting tired or not of all that's happening. it doesn't matter. does anything matter at this point? at this specific time? how should i comprehend anything that apparently goes about my space right now. the buzzing sound of the fan. the silence that runs about the whole house. an emptiness. a vast emptiness. quite literally actually. and nothing is funny. or should there be? i really don't know.

and what was that all about? oh nothing really. just gibberish.

damn. i need o hear the sound that would resucitate me. maybe a few pounds here and there. drumsticks and all. maybe that can make my day.

whew. i'm glad that's over.

2007-07-14T00:14:00.000+08:00

what should i do?

it makes me sad to think about it. i see passing pictures. colored photos of all the moments we held dear. moments that have become frozen, embedded in a time that is behind us. and i can do nothing. and at some point, i have to admit, i miss those times. i genuinely miss 'em. a lot.

and there you go. again. you cover yourself with a dark cloud that no one understands. and you don't want anyone to understand actually. and that's just sad. but you are a sad person. everyone thinks you are. and we can't keep on being there if you always walk away.

oh my. i'm getting all emo again. oh shoot.

creaking concrete steps. soccer fields. mcdo moments. c2 exchange. yeah boy.

2007-07-05T22:10:00.000+08:00

i've just passed the second biggest scare of my life. whew.

people have tried to comprehend the silence that runs about me now, and they are successful.

but to you guys, not yet. soon.

2007-06-27T20:24:00.000+08:00

and how much do you like the silence? the darkness that envelopes us each time? the secrecy?

i don't usually make straightforward blog entries, but today calls for one. i woke up this morning banking only 10 hours of sleep the last 3 days and a half. the house has been a ghost town. we come in and out withour ever speaking a word. and the feelings have been heavier than usual. there are no words, no conversations, nothing. we enter our rooms, come out for the occasional dinner or when we have to leave the house. that has been the routine. it sucks, i know. how much is it affecting me? i don't know, yet.

anyway, back to waking up. i just had a nightmare. two nightmares actually. and its been like the rest that i have been telling people recently. i went to school frowning. i was parking frowning. i was walking frowning. and gabriel marcel just made my day worse. Fuck. yeah, i find it appropriate to curse now, that's how bad my mood is right now. i left school, still angry. stll very angry. the circumstances presented to me did not help at ALL. ECO111's blasted 8 page single spaced paper did not help. LS100's whole period presentation did not help. LS100's novel and book report did not help. ACC101's maurice lim's fucking boredom did not help. HI165's ultimate boring rizal biography movie did not help. PH101's gabriel macel's fever never helped. TH131's markus locker's diet coke could go to hell.

i think im overreacting right now. and it's all getting to my head. and yeah, i think i am cooling down. a bit.

just two hours ago, i was doing aerobics. could you imagine. me, aerobics, me, dancing. damn, that's awful.

there. i think im happier now.

whew.

and so you ask me, do you like the secrecy, the darkness, the silence? yes, i do. i really really do.

2007-06-06T22:47:00.000+08:00

Tagged by j.

These are the Rules:

1.Each player of this game starts with 6 weird/random unknown things about him/herself. 2.People who get tagged need to write a blog of their own 6 things as well as state the rule clearly.
3. In the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names.

P.S. Don't forget to leave a comment that says you are tagged in their comments and tell them to read your blog.

1. i hate dogs and cats. a lot of people can attest to this. i cannot stand being even 1 foot from them. yes, i will sadly turn to a little gay boy.

2. i sort of have a weird obssession with oasis (although not as intense as before). i have over 300 songs from them in my itunes. (is that a lot? haha.)

3. i am also very very very afraid of the hospital. whenever i get sick, i get illusions of me being taken into a hospital and i seriously crumble at the thought. i worry very much even when i get the slightest pain in my stomach.

4. i also have an obssession with stick-o, i keep ample stock in my room, always.

5. i love to walk around aka mga walking around the village during nighttime or parking somewhere in fort and walk from mcdo in hsbc to sportscamp to fort strip. haha.

6. and like j, i love driving. i used to dream of being a race car driver back when i was kid. but it doesn't follow that i drive manically on the road. haha.

(will tag people at the end)
***

this will be the second time i'll be doing this. ang fun eh. i'll copy j again and make everything into lyrics. haha. (oh and i'll do all the lyrics in oasis songs. haha.)

Here's how it goes. Write 10 things about 10 people. It can be anything, a description, a secret, a confession, lyrics or an address. You cannot, under any circumstances, say to whom the messages are addressed to.

1. coz in your head, do you feel, what you're not supposed to feel, and you take what you want, coz you don't get it for free. we need, more time, coz you're thoughts and words won't last forever more, but i'm not sure, if it'll ever ever ever work out right, will it ever ever ever work out right? coz it never never never works out right. - sunday morning call, oasis

2. she's electric, she's in a family full of eccentrics, she's done things i've things i've never expected- she's electric, oasis

3. i hate the way that you are so sarcastic, and you're not even bright. you think that everything's you've done's fantastic. your music's shite, it keeps me up all night, up all night. - married with children, oasis

4. because we need each other ,we believe in one another, and i know we're going to uncover what's sleepin' in our soul- acquiesce, oasis

5. cos little by little, we gave you everything you ever dreamed of, little by little, the wheels of your life have slowly fallen off, little by little, you have to give it all in all your life and all the time i just ask myself why you're really here- little by little, oasis (change the we to you, the you to him)

6. i lost my faith in the summertime, coz it don't, stop raining, the sky all day is as black as night, but i'm not complaining. - the importance of being idle, oasis

7. look around at all the plastic people, who live without a care, try to sit with me around my table, but never bring a chair- roll it over, oasis

8. here i go, still scratching my head in the same old hole, my body feels young, but my mind, is very old, so what do you say, you can't give me the dreams that are mine anyway, you're half the world away- half the world away, oasis

9. in the end we'll leave it all behind, because the life i think i'm trying to find, is probably all in the mind- (probably) all in the mind, oasis

10. he sits up on a throne, he lives a sleazy lie, but he's all alone again, again- i can see a liar, oasis

***
i tag: pico (ahihihi), ortouste, teng, mian (wala na eh. haha)

2007-05-30T01:55:00.000+08:00

i wanted to make an artsy entry today but sadly im in no mood.

random ramblings - (can be understood by some. hahaha.)

- maginhawa. yes, there are some things better left unsaid and untold but now we resolve to never to talk about it again. it could have ruined the whole night and it almost did. haha. that was being honest.

- sports camp. its great to talk. in front of mr. poon, seeing sweaty players go by, it isnt the perfect atmosphere, but i've resolved to make it better. without the chains, without the bars. one more shot. (not what you think this may be. haha.)

- strangers. beauty of the unknown, keeps you guessing. well, we all would never know if someone you can't see can be matino or not. i've been watching this anime show recently and there's this one person who's blind and apparently uses the "eye of the heart". that should be connected somewhere.

- banez. haha. damn, this is too obvious. an overuse of the word "mainam"

- ababu. ox brain. kobideh. dammmit. it was good seeing you again. and apparently naunahan mo pa kami. when the world always thought you had none, damn, they were wrong. haha. we're just happy for you.

- emohan. yes, seeing the two of them made me real sad and again could've ruined that same night. and at the same time, maybe that's why my night wasn't ruined. seeing what happened to you guys, maybe, and maybe, this all isn't a losing battle.

- EBZ represent yo. FLG. dubious chemistry. the nights have been all too fun. and yeah, as much as i'm not showing it, it's been great.

- i pinoy. haha. apparently living up to the name, and should we be proud? are we? and all that talk about dirt and such. its been funny and intriguing. riight?

- insomia galore. from sleeping for 14 hours to not sleeping at all for the past 3 days and counting. i just need to sleep now. but no. not yet. don't underestimate an underdog.

- my somehwat exact-mirror double. to believe that we can change the world, to come back despite the world pulling us to the other side. to know that we can do it. going home seeing the sun goes up might not be appealing, but, to be willing to be there waiting at home. giving in? the shadows of the old world have already been gobbled up by the rainbow of the new generation. to compromise. what do we do?

- paano kita iibigin. literally and figuratively. period. (oh wait, im actually implying nothing here, the movie opens tomorrow, oh i mean today, by the way)

- summer predictions. it has been a blast. in more ways than we could actually think of it. there's about three weeks left and we're all almost there. and we need to reach there soon. don't we?

- dream-eater. waking up finding the sky gloomy is not a good feeling. nor is it great to know that you have missed a particular eating time. where is it all pointing to? the phone conversations and the valley steps. they don't seem blurry as they are supposed to be. i can give my guess, but it has always been the opposite. and you said maybe not this time around.

- limbo. (babartil will understand this) to have both sides of the world conspire against you and you are down to your feet crawling to the direction of your preferred choice. where do you go? to a place full screams and bexations (natawa ako for a moment) of the other side or to the other side were all is silent, calm and subdued. you look at both sides and all the thick air is confusing you. at the moment you are not a stable rationale. and the solution's quite easy actually, you never have to look at both sides, just look at yourself first.

- to teng. flirting. bad job at doing it? yeah. haha. we lie at two extremes right now but in the middle it all comes down to the same thing. that one statement. you know what this is. paggising sa isang mahilamuyak na umaga sa kung saan napakadaming bulaklak na maaaring amuyin at pitasin.

that was more than what i expected. now leaving with a haiku.

(untitled)

blink blink goes the light.
a tiny speck illumines
the room, alone, still.

2007-05-28T02:01:00.000+08:00

its almost freakin 3am in the morning. i know i should be sleeping but obviously i'm not.

dammit.

my phone is almost virtually useless. i cannot make calls. i receive text messages that only say "*Missing text*", and when that happens i just usually am too impatient to wait for the text, my bad on that part. sometimes i receive calls and my phone automatically turns itself off. people have not been getting my messages and my batt life is reduced to just half a day that sometimes i believe thats the reason why i dont get messages coz my phone's usually off the whole day. boo for the razr. i do not recommend it. my only spare phone is a 6150 and it does not have a charger. so hurray.

dammit.

sorry for sounding so cranky but sometimes some things just really get to you.

on a lighter note, i will know if i become a tnt tomorrow so yay for that. boo if i don't get accepted.

this blog entry is lame. haha.

2007-05-23T02:26:00.000+08:00

les will understand this entry.

i can see yellow lights passing through my eyes. i can only... loud beeps and angry lights flash about. and that's all there is to it. i always saw myself to be alone, in death, even sometimes when just living out, but i wasn't, not now, not today, not in this moment. and no, i feel, even when seeing the red stoplight, the loneliest point when you're driving, it doesn'y become lonely, and it isn't lonely. now. you say happy boy. but there are points when one just relapses, everything falls into place and you start questioning them, why are they here, and why. it's always been why, and i've learned to just put that aside, for now. not now, i can't afford to, yet. it's been quite a while that i looked into someone's eyes. and it has been both a long and short time. and maybe all we needed to was to look away from the queen's gems and look deep into her eyes, and maybe find out that's she's like us all in the end. she is.

and i read once, that you can actually find love in a car crash. that love comes at the moment just right before the car crash. and maybe it comes even before that, way before the time the two cars actually meet each other, or even when they never meet, love could still have been there. that's been the question, how would you know that love ever came to be at whatever moment. it never needed any sense. i can live with that. it never needed any sense. i hope it won't ever. always trying to make sense out of everything, when they never needed to make sense anyway. always nonsense if not making sense. known to always saying nonsense, and i've been known to. it never needed to be there, and it didn't need to come there, love. it needn't move. just stay still and wait. and maybe like i said, love doesn't ever need to make sense, but does that mean it should be nonsense then? and this the part that i just love confusing, don't you? it could be both making sense and nonsense. but i'd prefer it to be nonsense, always have something to make sense of. or maybe we could all live by love being nonsense. but i don't think we'd live that way, now or ever. i'm not making any sense here. but i don't need to and i actually don't have to. it's funnier that way, making no sense at all. i could say that i would have a field day going to japan and picking out dolls. and still that made no sense, and i don't intend to. as much as i made no sense, here's probably something true and sensible. laughing more times than adding all the "senses" in this paragraph. now, that made sense.

are we trying to get anywhere? or maybe we're just losing all sense of how and where it will come to be. and no. we haven't lost that. maybe i've lost that for a while, but i haven't, i won't, not this time around. maybe we could get lost in the millions of dots that are pasted in the darkness. we could get lost and never come back again. and maybe we all shouldn't have. we shouldn't have come back and i wouldn't be here. i would be lost in the darkness, among the dots that vibrated in their place. and like i said at the start, i feel alone in death. and i would have preferred to be alone. but i wasn't, not now, it doesn't need to be like that, and it isn't. how it will all come to place eventually. and there's a big question right there.

and we can always wonder and wonder. wonder and wonder. alluding. but i never listen. i won't listen.

going back home. yellow lights, flashing through the corner of my eye. i can only think about saving people. not saving them right now. saving them from the actions that may have hindered them in the past and have affected them right now, in the present or even in the future. i've always thought about saving you, saving you from the cold clutches of the all those that you didn't deserve coming at you. you never deserved any of those. but mind you, i can't save you now. there are others that need more saving.

people whose hearts are broken even before their hearts are actually formed.

2007-05-20T03:13:00.000+08:00

this might probably bore you again. but i've been writing this poem for the past week and im really happy the way it turned out. i'll leave it to you what you think the meaning is. haha.

Our Modern Love

In the silence
You can recede,
Blending with darkness
Watch the colors go by,
Watch them bind together,
Forming a rainbow,
That glares over this
World’s sanity.
Watch them illuminate
The colorless, lifeless
Corners and spaces
But watch them as they pass you by.

In the noise,
You can move,
Harmonizing with that spectrum
And grace as the colors go by,
Watch and join them in their
Unending rainbow
Of multicolored spirals and blinking lines
Join them blind the darkness
Fusing grey shades and multicolored tints
And watch it all consume what’s left
Of the world’s sanity, the middle, old area.

In the silence and noise,
Watch these colors
Fuse with fire and calm with harmony
Watch as your silence fades
Grey areas tinting like a rainbow
Watch as the noise consumes, all
Rainbows spiraling out of control
Tints fading and colors confusing.

Before,
In the buffers of noise and silence,
They stay as time passes by,
Calming the noise,
Illuminating the silence,
Together.

2007-05-14T21:22:00.000+08:00

okay, gonna be a gay entry coz ill just be sharing a song. im not quite too sure about what the lyrics mean, but i have my own view of it. the song's by interpol, i like it how most of their titles are never mentioned in the song, it's just weirdly cooler that way. haha.

Leif Erikson - Interpol

She says it helps with the lights out
Her rabid glow is like braille to the night
She swears I'm a slave to the details
But if your life is such a big joke why should I care?

The clock is set for nine but you know you're gonna make it eight
So that you two can take some time teach each other to reciprocate

She feels that my sentimental side should be held with kids gloves
But she doesn't know that I left my urge in the icebox
She swears I'm just prey for the female
Well then hook me up and throw me baby cakes cause I like to get hooked

The clock is set for nine but you know you're gonna make it eight
All the people that you've loved they're all bound to leave some keepsakes
I've been swinging all the time think it's time I learned your way
I picture you and me together in the jungle it will be ok

I'll bring you when my lifeboat sails through the night
That is supposing that you don't sleep tonight

It's like learning a new language
Helps me catch up on my mime
If you don't bring up those lonely parts
This could be a good time
It's like learning a new language

You come here to me
We'll collect those lonely parts and set them down
You come here to me...

She says brief things her love's a pony
My love's subliminal

She says brief things her love's a pony
My love's subliminal

2007-05-10T02:38:00.000+08:00

i feel so so very rusty with my writing. posting again in this blog will hopefully help me reinkindle that love for writing that i once had. damn. it's just been so long and i started to hate myself for not being able to write at least the most random thoughts that have popped into my head this summer. it sucks that there are moments wherein i feel so excited at writing something and when i finally get around to actually writing it, the image, memory, thought and realization just seemingly fades away. as with the other aspects of my life that have continually faded away. oh man, now is not yet the time to get all emotional.

on to seeimingly more boring things, how has been my summer so far? well, it's not one that stands out, unlike summer of last year, or the summer of two years before, but it certainly has its own zest and special moments.

see, that's just as boring as i get right now.

leaving with a poem coz i kinda want to improve on that field again.

(untitled)

i can see the silent city lights
and they all seem like tiny dots on the dark horizon
wanting to burst out of the night
blazing into the morning sunshine
but now is not the time
stil too early to break
the serentity of the night's sanctuary
and they all just freeze in their places
inhaling the fading moments of the darkness
with eyes closed and shut ears.
they're asleep but still aware.
and that's what makes these lights special,
even when they seem to be glimmering dimly
there comes a moment when they'll all shine
thoroughly, without stopping.
the morning light ends with the blanket of night.

little shards, memories of toil and tears.
glimmering. dimly glimmering.

2007-04-25T21:44:00.000+08:00

we brush the dust off our tires. we look at each other one last time. the lanes are clean. only the faint glimmer of nightlamps give life to the darkness that lies ahead. it took us at least 16 quarters to get where we are. this time we aren't turning back. we took this path before, but that time we were together. i take my last stick of smoke, look up the stars and then at you, you do the same thing. we're similar that way and it's just so cute and sweet. the moon is hidden behind the grey clouds and everything seems to be growing darker. we can see only our silhouettes. we want to waive goodbye. but we don't.

you know our story. everyone does.

we slowly walk away. disappearing into the fog that now envelopes our surroundings. we can't see each other. but we can feel each other's breaths colliding with the cold air barrier now seperating us. these few steps we take away from each other feel heavy, as if the world's gravity was pulling us back together, but we fight that. is this the right thing to do? that's the trouble, there is no right thing, there's just your choice whether you want to stick with it or not, most of the time we stuck with it, but now we decide to let... it becomes so hard that way, we want to look back but we shouldn't, we want to run to each other but this time we couldn't, we just couldn't, as much as the world pulls us together.

what ever happened? sweet sighs and lovely, lovely goodbyes. soft songs and rythmic dances, all blown away. you were once that girl i saw dancing in the moonlight. and who could ever forget. that's another thing. we don't forget. i don't forget.

and so i open the door of my car. step inside and comfortably seat myself on the driver's seat. the black paint glimmers as it mirrors the moon's faint aura and the fading clouds. when i try to look back. i see nothing and that's just the way it's gonna be.but it could still end another way. i hope. for now, let's be content of what lies ahead. an ever consuming darkness, a night never ending, a fog never lifting.

and what's on your side? sunshine.

***

this story can be retold so many times in so many different ways. but in the end it always comes down to one ending.

2007-04-02T12:32:00.000+08:00

we're here. trapped in our own rooms. screaming, banging our heads against the wooden boards that have grown weary through the years. we feel the dust running through our skin, slowly trickling, tickling our senses. they hear us.they hear us. and im sure they feel how our screams pierce through their ears while foolishly attempting to reach their souls. that would never happen. it never did.

we search for a bit of light through the cracks of the stiff drapes that completely cover our windows. and its a wonder how the darkness consumes us in the nights. how the symphony of cold, bitterness and shivers rewind themselves in the broken records of our minds and memories. and though a glum lightbulb hangs from the ceiling, its not enough to shed light on the carcass that once portrayed a bright smile. a smile that is no more. it once radiated the room, illuminating every corner. once, when the record player hymned harmony.

they now know.

... the light is silenced by the wind and so is the storytellers words. the children eagerly wait the continuation of their father's story.

2007-01-24T20:54:00.000+08:00

and here's the memory to go with the tingles.

Sept. 30, 2004.

it was a day like no other. got up at around 5, went to school at 7, classes begun at 8. a typical day.

2:00 p.m.
"shit, pare, i wana go no.2", this statement broke my silence as i was mindlessly waiting for the clock to tick 2:20. i had been not listening at all to what was happening, but what the heck, what's another failed test in math anyway?

2:20 p.m.
finally. i paced down towards the roadway area of la salle where me and my friends were supposed to picked up by the driver.after some time of waiting for our other friends to arrive, we learned that they were stucck in the office getting their excuse passes. oh great.

2:50 p.m.
i was internally getting pissed. eyeing the australian exchange student that jay had brought to come with us, i decided to chat with him a while. he had his usual accent and we started talking, mid through the talk i started to smell something "funky", at first i thought it might be a wisp of foul air, turns out that this foul wisp was standing in front of me.

3:00 p.m.
finally. the ones we were waiting for had arrived. we managed to squeeze ourselves in my friends van (we were 10 in a crosswind but this doesn't beat the time when we were 12 in a lancer). we started to argue which path to take and at some point we all agreed to go all the way to araneta. i still sat beside the aust. guy, still i had the same "disgusted" look on my face. we were laughing the whole time screaming at each other although we were only in a van.

3:30 p.m.
we are here. "ano ba???" i said to my friend as he promised me an upper a ticket but i was given upper b along with two other friends. "magaling ka naman lumusot sa upper a" was his reply. ok, whatever. ao we entered the colisseum and my friends who were in upper a went in to get us seats.

3:40 p.m.
i started to think how i would pull off this trick again. having the torn upper tickets of our friends. i waited for the time that no one was enetering the upper a gate. i saw the same fat nerdy looking guy in glasses, the one i've fooled a thousand times. victory. me and my friends walked towards him, i held the torn upper a ticket out and told him we entered the feu side and the girl there tore our tickets but didn't stamp us. what a fool. he let us in without remorse.

4:00 p.m.
GO LA SALLE. the usual drums both sides rolled in, a mixture cacophony of noise and melody. we got a spot somewhere in the borderline of feu and dlsu fans. we had a view of everything. the game stared. as usual it was exciting but all the more we got excited because our friend texted us and told us we got televised twice. (probably because we were frantically cheering holding up our LA SALLE sign.) cool. televised.

5:10 p.m.
halftime. the archers' pep squad just finished their routine. on came the feu squad. i scremed a lot insults about their costume (which really is jolbu. haha.) and then out of no where a woman hands me a la salle sign and seems to tell me to waive it up. uhm, okay. that's nice.

6:00 p.m.
the game was close. too close, as my heart was pounding with excitement and although i had lost my voice already, still continued to scream, GO LA SALLE! the score was tied at 63, a minute remaing. miranda had the ball and he passed it to isip who was just inside the arc. isip holds the ball, 40 secs remaining he pumps and shoots over cabatu. it goes. the feu crowd goes wild. the lasallites go silent. no timeout, i was shocked, la salle inbounded the ball. yeo was bringing it up, obviously looking for cardona, he finds him, cardona hesitates, makes his move but he has nowhere to go, he looks around, passes it to casio. casio fakes miranda, fires an awkward three... as i saw the shot go up, my heart melt for i knew it will miss, my insides felt like turning upside up... but destiny plays tricks... casio drains the three!!! the la salle side goes frantic with screams, wails and cheers. the feu crowd goes to silent mode. 19 secs. remaining, miranda is given the ball, he makes his move, crossover against yeo, 10 secs. remaining, he finds an opening and drives but finds gaco blocking his way, 6 secs. remaing, miranda pump fakes, yeo and gaco jump, miranda capitalizes and tries a banking shot, he does it with perfect angle and form, the ball rolls in the ring... at this point, my heart was ready to go into another failure... but the ball rolls out and cardona grabs the rebound. the la salle crowd jumps out of their seats and everyone starts jumping about, including me and my friends. 2 secs. remaining, cardona sinks 2 free throws. feu inbounds, chan heaves the ball to no avail. champions.

6:30 p.m.
celebation, everyone were all screaming and cheering. my firends and i were taking pictures with our cellphones to cherish the moment. we made signs saying indicating la salle was the champ and that we were just to good. the feeling was so invigorating and at the same time exhausting, we sang the alma mater song with all heart and honor. we stayed for the awardings and finally left the colisseum. exiting the area, we flashed our la salle signs from our van to the other cars. they responded with a familiar tone of honking. what a moment. what a moment this truly was. surely, everyone enjoyed and will remember this day even when we we're in college and having different alma maters because it was on this day that we went to our last game as lasallites....

sights in the game:
- a cheerleader who was so hot. haha.
-a sign saying "no to pirated cheers"
-a sign saying "feu scalpers"
-another sign saying "feu balik na kayo sa jeep niyo" (only i saw this)
-a sign saying "feu jologs"
- as sign indicating "la salle hangal"
*there are many more but these were the ones i remember

sounds of the game (mostly by us or me)
-"miranda, di ka ba nagsasawa sa college?"- me
-"miranda, please get a job!" - me
-"isip, nagpipimple na ulit mukha mo!" - me
-"santos bumalik ka nang pampanga!" - me
-"Hoy, mga feu, mukha kayong mga power rangers!" - me referring to the feu pep squad
-"isip walang isip!" - andres
-"the feu side looks like a sea of yellow bacteria" - chino
-"flores bading" - all of us
-"papa yeo" - all of us
-"cholo! cholo! cholo!" - all of us

7:10 p.m.
i went back to la salle exahausted but still smiling. i was still gonna play basketball later that evening. i walked wearily, towards our gym. it was all too peaceful coming from a jampacked noise filled game. it seemd my senses were new to this feeling. it was calm and serene. i continued to walk towards our gym. but then i stopped. i looked up and saw a flashing green emblem of la salle. the lost feeling of the game came back. a reosunding hail, hail, hailwas stuck in my head. the archer in me had waken up and had forever made his stead in my heart. Animo La Salle.

2007-01-22T02:37:00.000+08:00

and by now, you're still sweeping me away.

and when i thought everything had gone away. that grand ballroom. the golden halls. the tudor(?) glass panes that surrounded us. i thought i had blown it all away. and thats what actually sucks about it. i thought. akala. hindi mahirap na isipin ko kung bakit may mga oras talaga na hindi ko kaya pigilin ang aking sarili. like sharp pieces of glass, scattered on the floor. reflecting that broken dream of that surreal world that you once held, or maybe i. the world that you held delicately with your own two white glowing hands. and whenever you wished you let go. and indeed, before, you let go. more than once that happened.

people succembed to the terrible power that was wielded by the queen. and by far she was the most alluring. at least by some span of time. both great and foolish men, were at her service, muted beyond her command. and all they can do is sit there. because thats all there is to it.

we're all trapped. trapped in that surreal world that you created. you made us roll into your cycle. we became embedded in the gems that you carved out. and you proudly wore these gems. but no one saw you when you do so. for you wore them only in your sleep. and there while your eyes are closed, us, trapped and frozen in place. feeling that coldness fuming from your skin. still, thats how we are.

and when you wake up. you're glad to see your shining gems. and with them, you face the mornings. bright sunlight that fills your room, shines them, and instantly, you are the prettiest. ang pangyayaring ito'y nagaganap ng isang segundo lamang, kung saan ika'y nakatulala sa bintana at ang buong mundo'y nakatalikod. this is how. or thats how everybody sees it.

but then again. i can go wrong. for using these words may overstate the descriptions i have given. but also understate them.

but for most part. you are a big overstatement. i stand by that. and each time that all these broken shards come together to revive your surreal world. all we have to do is stop looking. and all your gems shatter away.

and all this time, everyone had been fooled.

2006-10-24T12:02:00.000+08:00

ill keep it as simple and understandable as possible.

i never had the chance. or i thought that i did have the chance but you showed me blank chances. and when everyone thought that you gave me the chance, and even when i thought that you were gonna save me, we were all wrong.

could you believe? i didn't believe. what i saw before me was, spectacular. everything was clad in gold and everyone that you and i knew were there. and we were together. but there never was a you and me. and that's surprising. how can we be together if there never was a we. everyone thought that there was, and what's more stupid, even i thought there was. but there never was. late nights i'd think, i'd solemnly think, while singing to the tune of wonderwall. oh we all know how this goes.

we were together. that's really surprising. we walked through the gold halls. us together. everyone was looking at us and they were smiling. and we were smiling. it was stormy outside and the rain hit hard against the tall windows. you got scared. you heard the lightning. so i held your hand. and i felt it. and then for a while. we stopped. and looked around. everyone's attention was not on us anymore. and we were left alone. we didn't know how we'd fair against the world but we'd only hug each other to know that it's all going to be okay. it all sounds so corny but that didn't matter at that moment. and then we had the crescent moon all to ourselves.

but as the cliche of my life goes. i'd always seem to screw it up. and screw it up i did. and you left me. but i found you. i found you and held you.

and then i asked you. then you answered.

i knew i never had the chance. but this happening just proves that maybe i did. or maybe not. i really don't know.

it's funny how you wake up and realize that how everything seemed so surreal just moments before. but everything that just happened had a resonance in my head. sounding again and again.

when we were together. and when i found you after you left me. i asked you a question.

"is this real?" it is and will be.

you know how i love oasis but you didn't see that and saw it as pathetic. but this doesn't matter.

so what do you say? you can't give me the dreams that are mine anyway, you're half the world away.

2006-08-25T18:21:00.000+08:00

past-revival.

sa isang madilim na kwarto may iisang ilaw sa gitna.

my gosh,you know, it was like sa alikabok na pala and stuff, haha, i thought pa nga may leech-like, bug-eeeww things dun sa tagiligiliran, hehe, pero wala naman pala. you know, the game was like aamazing, forest-forest, fruit-fruit.. hehe. asteeggg... "rak" on...

ay, its so relieving kasi we think that ang ganito ay ganyan-ganito pero sa iba ganun-ganun lang, kaya minsan di natin malaman kung sino tama, kaya natatatakot tayo na baka ganyon ganon nga siya per di naman talaga, kaya minsan kailangan mo lang tumapak papunta dun para malaman mo na wala namang dapat katakutan. pero ang pinakanakakatakot ay ang alam mo na baka ganun siya pero di ka talaga sigurado.

wow pare, astig, paka nakataas ang roots ng puno, its like so kakaiiba and like so funny fun fun. ang sarap ng simoy ng malambot na hangin sa ating mga pisngi. ang saap pakinggan ang mga maiikling sound ng tawa. nyahaha. (coining this laugh from someone...) kaya yun, its like so so aamazing, kasi its like one time nakaupo ka dito sa may kama, tumitingin sa bintana, tapos, biglang andun ka na sa bitiun at tinitingnan mo ang mundo mula sayo iyong kinakatayuan, wow, its like so high pala up there, kala mo you'll fall but you'e not going to. basta kapit-kamay tayo palagi sa lahat diba? walang mahuhulog.

wow, ang liit pala ng mga tunnel ng mga ants diyan sa ground, minsan pala may malaki, minsan ay maliit, para, mas astig ang maliit, masaya para dun sa mga hayop, adventure parra makalabas, kasi makipot, kasi masikip, ang fun fun naman... huwow...eeekkk. mayrong ipis. yuck. pero ok lang. tingin na lang diyan sa dingding, may ilaw parin.

pero akalain mo ba, ang sarap maligo diyan sa mga maiinit na bukal diyan sa lupa. ang init sa balat at nakaka-refresh... haayy, parang gusto mo lang mag-sit back and relax... wag ka nga lang malulon dun sa bukal eh baka mahulog ka... ooyyy... easy lang... hehe...

parang isang umaga pag-sobrrang pagod ka na sa kakatakbo sa kakatalun at sa mga paggalaw... parang yung araw na sumisikat sa likod ng mga ulap na iniilaw ang mga masasangsang na kapaligiran ng mundo, ngunit nandun parin kahit papaano ang dungis ng gabi, andun pain ang mga alaala... aaayyy... "rak" on lang pare...

haayy buhay... haay life... "weh, pa-life life ka diyan..."

ang bahay may kwarto, ang kwarto may pundidong ilaw..

2006-08-06T20:05:00.000+08:00

on crying.

when things aren't supposed to end that way
but it did.
when two people aren't supposed to leave
but they did.
when he wasn't supposed to be happy
but he is.
when it should have started
but quickly ended.
when tears should've fallen.
but not yet.
not yet.

soon.

2006-07-23T11:47:00.000+08:00

we both remember what we've been through. through the highway lights, swirling past us like all those memories gone by. we felt isolated by the night, standing alone on the shoulders of our own fears. we were afraid. you and i. we'd sit opposite each other, viewing, respectively, our own glass panes. the mist would blur the yellow glare coming from the lampost yet we would sit still. stoic, we would keep our breaths to our self. we would fall silent the whole time. but that was okay. it was raining outside. it was pouring.

we heard all our fears scream at us. but we didn't shut our ears. we wanted to hear them. we didn't want to torture ourself, but we wanted to feel pain. we wanted to feel each thorn piercing our hearts. we didn't want others to see what we're going through. how we explode inside each night. we stare at the dull night, waiting, always waiting to be picked, to be nudged. we wanted to stand up. but we always fell down. we always felt how hard we fell. we'd feel the cold concrete on our warm cheeks. we were beautiful, but once down, we weren't. they said we weren't. they were wrong.

we wanted to escape. you and i. we wanted to be freed from the clutches of the world. we wanted to run away. but not together.

it was raining outside. we both saw that. we could see the rain splash into puddles on the open road. we'd forget there were trees around us. all there was, was just darkness. we'd look at the lights, seeing the streaks of rain break their consistency. we'd wonder if the rain fell for us. if it was sympathisizing with us. the sky was crying. we were crying. but we didn't show. we were crying inside. we wanted to be out there. the barrier now felt thin between us. we always cried together. but not like this. not as cold as this. the barrier was being shattered. we cried, but there were no tears. our tears were the rain. the hard rain splashing against the car's roof. those were our tears. we never strayed our eyes from what we were trying to find. we were looking for the same thing. we wanted the car to stop at that very moment. we'd open the door, to free ourselves from the barrier which drew us apart. we'd walk along the open road, far far, far away from home. we'd walk along the opposite sides of the street but we went on the same direction. our eyes would meet sometimes, and that's all we needed.

the road never got narrower. it got wider. we knew that. we knew what we were doing. we knew where we're going. but we wanted to stop. we wanted to take a close look at each other. we wanted to explore each other's eyes, figuring out why this, why that. finding answers to the questions we'd ask oursleves, at the time we were in the car. but we kept on walking.

we knew it was going to end. right from the start we knew we'd reach this point. we knew we'd eventually have to confront each other. we knew we'd have to stop and look at each other's eyes and get lost in the ins and outs of our souls. we knew we didn't want out. we didn't want to be found. but we were. that's how it was supposed to happen. so all we could do was give each a hug. and we did. as awkaward as it may have felt, we gave each other the warmest hug we knew. we were where we wanted to be.

we're home.

you and i. we're not too diffrent. in fact, we're more similar than we seem to be.

but you and i, we're always drifting away.

things change.

2006-06-14T23:13:00.000+08:00

okay, lets take another crack at it.

and when you and i saw the star, i... and then none. it depresses me to think that iconic symbols such as stars fall down sometimes or how they fade without remorse. i look at the sky, seeing countless, sometimes, none. i'm actually lucky if i find one glowing differently. once, i saw a star, it twinkled as bright as a supernova. all i did was gaze at it, looking endlessly, pinning my eyes to its crystal white glow. only to find out it had died millions of years ago. the light of stars reach us after a million or billion years since the light travels through space in lightyears. maybe, from the beginning i knew that would happen. but in that time, i did not. i knew not of how that star twinkled nor did i know it had already died. it was good while it lasted.

stop crying your heart out.

now i know.

i stared blankly everytime we passed through someting colorful. i could hear cars beeping around me. but that didn't matter. i was now lost in my own space, trying to figure out what had happened in my constellation. a constellation that had just imploded. it imploded not beacause stars started to fade away, but because its onlookers no longer cared much for the twinkling bodies. but mainly, i think because of me. it sounds weird, but whenever i think about it, how does one destroy a constellation? a single man? no way.but weirder things have happened. pictures of memories are torn. torn apart right in the middle where the heart lies. it is faded. enough to say that it never happened. and just like teh constellation, they were all ready to be forgotten. no, erased. forgotten would still mean being there but not minded, erased is more appropriate. i think thats what happened. i was on the verge of erasing the thought of my blasted constellation when i decide to yank back. and i did. i did. i did.

i can pull my hair off right now and still may not understand why. why? i don't even know. please hold my hand.

2006-06-10T19:53:00.000+08:00

okay, here we go again.

i want to paint my world blue. different shades of blue. yes, i want to turn it upside down, but not inside out. i want to you to see, ahead, not down, look up, see there. far away, far away. i want...

stop. and again, im at a loss for words.

i know it all by heart, but...

2006-06-04T17:22:00.000+08:00

stiff-standing.
pasted on the white wall.
tacks lined along the outline
of gyrated positions,
switching here and there.
you make me.

short-breathed.
my lips shut together,
intertwined with wires,
in-out of flesh.
losing.
i am.

swinging light.
flashes of black and white.
then red then black.
a thick crimson fluid
flwing from beneath
the white wall, and
tacks falling down.
where?

a shifting huge mass.
insanity.

2006-05-16T16:22:00.000+08:00

and then maybe.

there are things that change and don't while most of them do. most things, sadly so or not, change. and from where i stand, change is always just a nose(?) away. admist the vast constellation that i would want to consider my own, i must give way to others who must wish to view it. its not yet too cramped up, but i think it will be. but i shouldn't think about that now. no, not now. i would like to sometimes believe that i could somehow hold the barrier which so oftens appears before me, mostly in the middle of the night or at noon. the barrier, i feel, an evervescent proof that humanity is indeed moving on while leaving most of us behind. leaving us behind. i could see the sky opening up, a path transfiguring in the middle, it seems rubbish from afar, but i think, im near. no, you're not. while it saddens me, of course, that this barrier is another cause of why humans may never or possibly, a main influence why, agree.

the things that change around me are pleasing. yes, it makes me realize that, maybe its worth sharing my constellation to others. it's actually securing, the way you get to view stars with someone. there, a star, amongst the clouds or smog. whichever. but still, it's a star. yeah it is. it's beautiful. i know. but then i give off something whcih to me is sentimental. i do take the risk of it getting scratched, battered, or even shattered. that's the price to pay i guess when allowing change to actually seep into you, consuming slowly, what you thought was rock-strong all through these years. but as i said, then again, maybe not.

whenever i look out the window, i never fail to always allot time to stare at the trees. trees, i think are monuments of time, change and age. while these three actually coexist in a world where disparity and speed apply, trees aptly remain at their own space, defying no one. so i guess, that's what always caught me, a tree's father-like God-like aura. usually i find people under the shade of trees and of course i also can't help but look at them the people. either its a couple or not. the two universal categories of humans lie in who they're with, it doesn't matter the sex, but rather, the manner. it's the manner of the people that fascinate me, too. at some points, i wonder whether these people actually know that they're in the presence of something that allowed only minimal change in their lives, while they, allowing much gargantuan(?) changes. if this is so, a tree is able to view abrupt change from near, as humans always seem to be, changing as always. the trees do remain stable, defying no one, until they're cut down. (which happens most of the time by the way)

doubting leads nothing more but to more abrupt changes, sometimes ending up into even greater stalks of confusion, dellusion and illusion. but then again, it could not. but change is a natural course of action that time goes through to unify the disparity and control the speed.

and then maybe, change could just simply be, me telling you not to believe in me, or vice versa. but that made no sense at all.

2006-05-02T19:20:00.000+08:00

I always envisioned myself to be on top of the world. I let my face kiss the gushes of wind that trip on my skin. Spreading out my arms, greeting the embrace of demure lights flashing here and there. Here is now. I'm not giving up. No I'm not. Are you sure? Definitely? I can still feel the tremendous exhilaration of my conquest. I never dared to peer down. I'm afraid of heights, and I guess I'll just fall down. Sure of this, sure of that. I'm settled, this is it. Come on altitude, fall on me, and let me fall down on you. But falling down is the true realization of rising. I have come to know this, once, when I was amongst the clouds, but then had to experience the tolls of the bear earth. Looking at the clouds was nothing more but a mere, short pleasure. And so, until days end, I found no stars. This made me sad, until I got used to seeing none each passing tormenting night. None. None. Blank. Blank. Black. Black. But these pleasures last short, until again, the demonic darkness eats up the innocent clouds into oblivion, leaving nothing but a faint memory of...

Falling down to that, I am not used to. It's called reality, planet earth. Beep-beep.

Seeing that there is a decrease in the abundance of stars, quickly, I fled. I didn't have to travel far to once again witness the majestic glory of the sterling glow of stars. Simply, that's how it is. A vision. An end-goal, true satisfaction lies in the amount of painful toil invested. I then think about the once altitude I used to hold above the norms of what I have now. Now, I am here. Toiling the bear earth, a task which I used to view from a distance miles below my standpoint, my once pillar. I got used to the daily tasks, at which, it requires sweat, hard-work and labor. To kill time, or help pass it, I crawl, as a lifeless entity looking for abandoned gas stations. We were waiting to be stolen and taken to a far off land, where we will suffer, get whipped, tortured... Weirdly, as if, conveniently by cue, there sounds a radio (same as the one from the abandoned gas station), playing broken tunes of my favorite band, who else, oasis. Cause all of. fading away. not to worry. Someday. what you need. On your way. Stop crying your. Beat down notes that sing an endless chant of...

In the darkness of my confinements lay a mess. Scattered all over were pamphlets and leaflets of torn propaganda that once spoke of freedom, truth and justice. I'm giving up all of me, everything. I'm giving it up. One step. First step. Pride shattered into a thousand pieces. Seeing a reflection of myself in each shard of glass. Seeing my eyes pierce through the darkness of that, I hold within me. I see spots in the overhead light. Black, round, square, triangle spots. Everything, even that, which seems most important. But is not really. I let go. I'm letting go. One step. Second step. Half steps, long, enduring. But holding out to a circular bob of glass. It's dark. I'm blind. I think I've lain myself in a long sleep. When I dream of broken down houses, with me upon the roof, looking over a vast plain of grass, I stand. I remain in place, winds turning spiral, into a wild hurricane, lampposts swaying, cracking into the sky, forming thunderbolts. I remain standing. The rocks burying themselves on the ground, splitting the muddy soil, opening an endless hole. I can see everything from here too. I once was from above, now I'm below, and everything still opens up, like it used to, I'm ready to embrace all this, drown myself in these calamities. I'm ready. And yet, amidst the chaos, I'm standing, in wait of...

of...

the stars. Are. Try. We'll see them. Take. And be. Heart out.

Broken tunes always sang better than fixed ones.

2006-04-25T13:37:00.000+08:00

intermission.

an attempt on a normal blog entry.

where am i? faura 226. i actually have an itm class right now. we are discussing about pseudocodes and algorithms. but no one is really listening, half the class is either friendster-ing or looking at other sites. indeed, it is cold here and im trying to pry myself not to sleep. i have been successful, but i can feel the weariness creeping in me still. the aircon is not helping and the teacher is poorly attempting at being cool. he graduated from phil. sci. and all he does is actually talk endlessly about algorithms and flowcharts while stealing glances at his computer to check out nba stats. i think he is a gambler. or maybe not. the person seated beside me is some woman in black with glasses and is copying endlessly the murmurings of my teacher. i have no itm notes. we have an exam tomorrow. yeah. i am classmates with a gay batchmate of mine from la salle who apparently kind of looks like a man now. but he is quite fond of wearing bright colored shorts and very skimpy tops admist the coldness of our room. it is always such a luxury to be in this room because of summer heat. oh yeah, im also excited for tomorrow cause i'm getting my new id! whee! haha.

wow. that was interesting. ain't it?

2006-04-23T00:51:00.000+08:00

everyday feels like im being crushed down.
every minute feels like a dragging pincer on my flesh.
everyday.
everyday.

i love you.

everynight.
crying.

2006-04-06T17:51:00.000+08:00

i was about 1 meter away from the clouds, and i eagerly looked for more stars. i saw some. i was high above. then i realized. no matter how high or low you maybe be, all the stars seem the same. they almost look the same. despite their sterling glow, they remain, simpy, as little white dots in the sky. sometimes we do stupid things. stupid things such as this and that. clincher. we do these stupid things knowing that we're actually doing them. they are stupid, but, we do them. redundant. we actually use each other. i guess. but its funny. yes it is. stupid or not, like stars, whatever the premise, stupid things remain stupid, sane, drunk or not, they are stupid. that's always how it is. quick conclusions. so i guess that makes us stars then, we're the same. me, i, em, i, you, ouy. that's just me talking.

then i suddenly find myself amongst modernity. probably at its best. there are a ream of stars way above. but that least concerns me. i try again, just like the last time, to look for a yellow lampost. unlike the first time around, i see none. what i see is a wide array of colors, always shiftng, always changing, always beautiful, always perfect. always. always. always. all the time. i refuse to accept the fact that this is what perfect is. all the time? no, perfection does not lie in the time span spent on keeping everything perfect, but, what i think, the little things, the gradual things are those that actually comprise perfection, just like, let say. the stars. remember? all the smog. but i, you, found one. thanks. really, thanks. now, that's perfect. its not seeing everything to be at place at once, its the gradual process. there will be no basis for perfection if everything was fine. maybe, i saw perfection beyond what truly, is perfect. im not overseeing things. this is how ive been thinking all the while. this is materialized after years of fasteners, folders and scabs(?). it's not your obligation. i know it's not. here, let me tell you something... i won't say perfection. i don't see perfection. but behind all that, i hope, i think, i know, perfect just lies, in being be here now, but way beyond be here then. oasis is god. you're crazy. but it's okay. it will always be. don't be scared.

i see, you see, me, em. the same things? oasis bonanza baby. you're really creeping me out. i am crazy, rememeber? live forever.

perfect will not end here, now or then.

2006-03-29T13:50:00.000+08:00

the last time i looked the sky, so as to see some stars, all i saw was smog. or maybe, they were clouds? i dont really know. it took me 30 mins. to find one star. yes, one star. how pathetic. but finding the star (that i didn't really), it really made me happy. i'd still get the same childhood wonder. my eyes still lit up at the thought of, wow. may star. yes, i was a petty child i guess. or maybe i just refused to face reality aand actually be frank with myself that it was indeed pathetic. but what the heck. this night, i found a star. yeah, look at the star, admist clouds? smog? do you really care? its a star. go appreciate it for what it is. beautiful.

its all about control. for example, driving the car, let's say, 3am in the morning, hypothetically. about that time, i could do anything on the road. swerve left, swerve right. ended me there and then. but i didn't want to, you don't want to. driving is control. the steering wheel is at my command. but, is it all a facade? i think it is. its just being me, being the usual control freak i think i am, or the person who i want to be, or i am just weak.

then i looked at the sky again. but this time, i saw an endless ream of stars. beyond expectation. but it's not as fun though. but who needs the stars anyway. this is just me being really weird and getting random thoughts. random thoughts again? yeah. haha. so i'll just look at that yellow lampost. the light pierces its way through the windshield but penetrates nothing. forget about the stars, when i have the vast darkness before me. a darkness that waits to be touched. how do i spend my final days? i spend it with much vigor as i can. okay, grammatically incorrect. but not really. do you still care. champagne supernova in the sky. like that song, someday you will find me, caught beneath the landslide. and between live forever and stop crying your heart out, there was a wonderwall. yeah. weird and random thoughts. but let me hold my own hand and take myself there. let me reach for the unspoken thought and grasp for the unplayed sound. after which, i should be able to see, that champagne supernova in you [in me], the landslide the keeps rumbling in the inside. this is how much i appreciate the things i never get to see. maybe i don't. maybe i do? im was always unsure of myself. im quite amazed that im not a cynic despite all this. maybe i never had it in me. maybe i was just looking for something worse. but i'm pessimistic. i don't regret. and when the lampost slit through the flesh and burned. i felt the high in me. there, i realized how lamposts are equally beautiful as stars. that though they pierce and slit, without actually penetrating anything, they remain, unique. powerful. its just me talking again and again. are you tired of hearing me talk? maybe this is again a "me" mechanism at work. i just want to protect myself. there's nothing wrong with that. perfectly fine. it's who you are.

so this is it. last 3 or 4 hours. i take a look again, at that lampost. the light won't ever seem to end. or maybe im just seeing things now. yeah, im still perfectly sane. and no, im not crazy. yet. i tell you this is me talking, im looking out for myself. selfish, but im being real. more real than probably that man walking on the street. i know i know. so let me please myself by closing my eyes. and what the hell. i remember. im manhid. but not that manhid. i can actually do things without injecting any emotion. weird mehn! but that's really it. that's the truth. i remember live forever. maybe you're the same as me, we see things they'll never see. yeah we do. we are. i see. you see. same thing. this will be me talking random thing again. im sorry, but im just getting the vibe. random things. out of place. lost in transit. different. way different. inexplicable. one last hurrah. indifferent with emotion? i don't think so.

again and again. every second. everyday after the start. saw it. believed it.

the whole night was perfect. the stars. the drive. the lampost. me, appreciating it all. me. em. reverse. twisted. champagne supernova, perfect background. beautiful.

stop crying your heart out.

2006-03-20T23:37:00.000+08:00

when you hear shouting around you, you may just want to stop and freeze in your space. freeze time, let the cold rush through the room and just simply stop things. freeze them. see the icicles that form about them. brush your hand. feel the fading intensity through the ice. feel it.

unfreeze the moment. then freeze yourself.

freeze, stop.

***

with everything going on, time has to stop, even for a second.

***

mp3 download:

digsy's dinner - oasis

2006-03-11T10:15:00.000+08:00

march 13 and 14 - an r30 production. the ramayana.

im feeling poetic.

***

"gone"

so you look at her
with desire, intense, heating
under the sun, you stand
for ages, waiting, growing, fading
with the wind, you sway
along with grace, oppurtune, never
because you are tied. closed
doors are barriers, steel cold walls
bar you, the desire
fades away into the wind, gone is
the oppurtune moment. end.

"shooting star"

im your shooting star.

soaring over into the heavens.

leaving twinkiling trails

to grace your eyes

immensely lording over your sky.

easily, the brightest.

and i am your shooting star.

now, then. now, then, never.

and just as, a shooting star,

come crashing down,

no matter hard.

i was your shooting star.

but i cant keep on admiring you from just above.

***

yes, extremely poetic. haha.
there is somewhat a structure in this poem.
(hint: line by line) haha.

mp3 download:

1969-iggy pop

***

oh yeah, a happy happy birthday to that wonderful, amazing, handsome man named jay abastillas!

2006-02-21T20:50:00.000+08:00

okay. so maybe i really do, uhm, hate? dislike? despise? the candy shop song, and sadly, i stick by to my past entry.

insomia.

the sleepless nights (aka 30 minute sleeps and the like) keep on piling and piling. there are really some nights that i completely feel like not sleeping at all or even worse, lying down. slight exaggeration. nevertheless, despite futile attempts to make me go to bed, none of these ever succeed. (oh wait, i correct that, only the girlfriend can break my insomiac spell, anyway..) despite this condition, i actually don't regret having it. why? because it is actually at 2 or 3 or 4am that i get any school work done. i hate working at the hours between 5 to 12. i just dont know why. 3am is my peak hour, i really am most efficient (for me at least) at this time and i feel that i can accomplish anything. (gad, i am starting o sound stupid) but this does not go without side effects when im at school. these past months (days actually) ive been prone to sleeping in english class. (note: i sit at the front and the teacher is usually 2 or 1 feet away from me) but she doesn't really care and my blockmates laugh at my head going down, down, down..

insomiac? you too?
***
good download:

oasis - hey now!

or better yet, download the whole oasis discography. its good to know some people know oasis better than wonderwall.

2006-02-20T20:48:00.000+08:00

WARNING: i advise not to continue reading, a totally pathetic entry.

here goes so much pent up angst.

if there's one thing i hate hearing, well not really hate, but its not something i prefer, is when i hear songs by 50 cent and the like. there is just something in these songs that makes me go ballistic within. its as if i want to pull out my twin AK's and just shoot the walls. i don't know if it's the melody, the beat, the lyrics or maybe the fact that some random buff tattooed guy is singing it. it's definietly not the words. i wouldn't care less what they trying to blab. just thinking of it right now makes me want to... *insert some hairpulling action here*

peace out to dre on this entry. i dont hate the songs, its just that i get a really strange feeling (which i don't like getting) whenever these tunes buzz about my head.

candy shop. now that's the one song i never want to hear in my lifetime, but sadly, the world is going gaga over this song. sadly. of all the rap hip hop songs that has ever played, this song i despise the most.

totally random entry. please dont bother reading again.

2006-02-16T22:20:00.000+08:00

you're in a room of 4 people. one person is lying on the bed, giving praises to the other 2 persons except you. yes, except you. you go through a whole day trying to shrug off the weird rejected feeling. and you do so, successfully. but wait. internally, you feel anger. so much anger. you don't like feeling rejected. you don't like feeling ignored. you wonder how long this will last. 2, 3 or 4 days? maybe longer?

longer? well, that just sucks.

it sucks.

2006-02-15T23:02:00.000+08:00

so it was valentine's yesterday but everything went wrong. as in it was so wrong that none of my original plans pushed through. oh well, boo for me.

but hey, had to bounce back, so i treated the girlfriend to italianni's. great talk, great impersonations, laughtrip, emo. eeehh. stop touching my hair. wala na, naiirita nako.

we then went to glorietta, only to end up strolling around and around. it was all fun.

then i drove her back to ateneo admist immense traffic. bonding and talking in the car.

drove back home with a smile.

yes, it does seem that my v-day was nothing more but ordinary, but that's how it is, it may have seemed ordinary for you, but it sure was extra-special for me.

that's all that really matters.

2006-02-09T22:02:00.000+08:00

i feel like im back in highshool, gradeschool, in la salle.
forgive my poem writing moods.

Fasteners

when it clips on the folder,
it fastens tightly,
organizing the papers,
orderly, fashionably.
the fasteners.

a child clings to these
cling tightly, that child must
to that
thin metal peice,
a cut?
well yeah.
probably.
blood, bleeding.

take that fastener away.
induce a deeper cut
on the already blood-stricken palms.
grab it.
it is your oppurtune.
break his heart.
steal the one thing that
tightly clasps the child's
important papers for school.
steal the child's pride, his safety
his shelter.
make him, uncomfortable,
unsure.

all beacuse of a fastener?
maybe so?
but its too fatfetched.
probability of that event.
almost zero.
almost.

but then again,
fasteners may not
tigthly fasten the papers
as they claim to do.
that even though
school papers are tightly
fastened,
simply pull them,
they tear right off.
easily.

2006-01-29T17:26:00.000+08:00

hello.

im so tamad to blog lately.

here, i leave you with a poem i made while listening to my uber boring crap english teacher.

"Ballerina"

and when green leaves turn brown
from your scream,
as the rider mounts his horse,
ripping through the thick air.
the heavy breath, of mane and tail,
whipping and lashing.
as darkness covers the little gray
left at night, from your scream,
your wail.

and when, unmounting the horse,
the rider strides to that
scream, that wail.
finding a ballerina in grace,
steady motions, tripping here
and there.
ballerina, admist an orchestrated
symphony, with one and none,
a rider, the rider.
then the ballerina screams,
then the ballerina wails.
then the ballerina screams again.
then the ballerina wails again.

then the ballerina graces the almost bear audience,
the one and none, a rider, the rider.
the heavy breath of mane and tail,
whipping, lashing.

2006-01-10T21:43:00.000+08:00

happiest moments...

***

fairy tale? no. a dream? no. reality? yeah, somewhat. but let's just call it fate. chance maybe? no. meantness? hell yeah. amazing. love.

*one day before dre's bday. haha.
-july 6, 2005

its the bond. the laughter and friendships shared. we've had our differenes, but its fine. 4 years of molding. we all came out fine, still walking, still breathing, chins up, chests out. (looks at lee and bean)

-january-march

breath. neck. baby tiger. who could forget?(looks at dre, jay, mon, peej, chino)

-march 18, 2005.

i saw the lights and before i know it, it was gone. marching to my tomorrow, seeing the past fade with the people at my side. my present is gone forever. im trapped in this moment, consumed.

-march 20, 2005.

kasama kita halos everyday. jay.

-march-april.

wow. best ever. really enjoyed and loved it. thanks blockmates. thanks the girlfreind immensely too.

-october 15, 2005.

i have everything to be thankful for the past six months. i've been blessed. haha.

-july-december.

***

madami pa actually. i'll post other new year stuff soon.

2006-01-07T18:51:00.000+08:00

2005's saddest moments.

***

have you ever felt a point in your life that you lost your drive to do anyhting at all? that you could just lie around all day and count the times a speck of dust crossed your eyes?

>march 19, 2005

privacy. you need it. i need it. they need it. they apparently don't know. i know. i give them privacy. they're left alone.

>february 12, 2005.

see the curtain roll down a last. hear the drums blaring no more. green and white. fade in, inward, towards the memories held within.

>march 20, 2005.

the importance of family should be placed at the top of the list. i agree. you agree. dammit.

>january 29, 2005.

just plain boring. yes, boring. yawn. yawn.

>somewhere april-may

conversations are one of the pillars of friendships. remember the highway lights? the guitar chords? the basketball court. (not really a sad moment, the content was sad though.)

>april-may

star wars. enough said. sad? becuase you can feel maturity setting in. (looks at jay)

>may something.

pare, kaya... kayang kaya. nope, hindi kaya apparently. one year is too much.

>april 18, 2005.

***

happy moments to come...

2005-12-30T00:32:00.000+08:00

oh mother.*

*coyed expression from nachi

and no, i dont know him personally

oh, here's a line that me smile today:

"..pag pinipigil, lalong nangigigil."

*wink wink.

your mind!

mp3 for ya:

1979 - smashing pumpkins

(my gad, where did this entry come from?)

2005-12-28T00:06:00.000+08:00

this is the first time ever in my life that i have actually exhausted my brain to something called "schoolwork", considering these days should be used to "lounging" and relaxation.

but no, apparently i have two papers due on the day i step on the soil of the biggest cockpit in katipunan (peace. schoolmates.) so now i say bye bye to my vacation and hello paper, pen, computer screen, books and keyboard. oh life.

i really need someone to hug me right now. as in a tight (this is not by the way gay in any manner) hug.

oh yeah, there's this nagging itch in my brain that feels like a tick is actually clawing its way through my brain cells.

by gosh, by gorry, by gum, by gee.

hello mother.

i leave you with a conversation excerpt with one of my friends, which somewhat lightened my load for today.

jomjoms: wag ka na uminom!!!
jomjoms: mamumula ka lang!!!=))
mikko_jau: haha
mikko_jau: gagi
mikko_jau: nawawala na allergy ko!
mikko_jau: hehe
jomjoms: hahaha:))
jomjoms: gud for you..:))
mikko_jau: powta
jomjoms: hehe..:))
mikko_jau: may thesis pa kami pag balik ko ng school
mikko_jau: i have 3 fucking papers
mikko_jau: isa dun 8 pages
mikko_jau: yung isa 3 pages
mikko_jau: yung isa 1 page
mikko_jau: single spaced pa lahat
mikko_jau: powtang ina!
jomjoms: haha...:))
jomjoms: ok lang yan..:))
mikko_jau: walang kwenta
jomjoms: ako din mya research paper na...
jomjoms: and im going to national lib kanina...
jomjoms: just to research for crap!!!
jomjoms: haha..:))
jomjoms: plus 2 exam sa jan 2!!!
jomjoms: god!!!jomjoms: jan 2!!!
jomjoms: poota!!!
mikko_jau: january 2?
mikko_jau: ulol?
jomjoms: oo!!!
mikko_jau: haha
jomjoms: oo!!!
mikko_jau: badtrip
jomjoms: sagwa!!!!
mikko_jau: good luck
jomjoms: plus may test din sa jan 4
jomjoms: chem!!!
jomjoms: plus nuclear model sa jan 5
mikko_jau: hehejomjoms: gud for you...:)
jomjoms: ako sabog na ang sked dahil sa crap na to
jomjoms: no time towatch movies and drink..:)
mikko_jau: me too :(
jomjoms: ok lang yan may gf ka naman eh..=))
jomjoms: EMO!!!
jomjoms: haha..:))
mikko_jau: powta
jomjoms: wla lang...poota!!!
mikko_jau: may tama ka ba?
mikko_jau: haha
jomjoms: haha...
jomjoms: oo naman...:)
jomjoms: coffee!!!
jomjoms: puro kape!!!
mikko_jau: walang tulugan ba?
jomjoms: 4 days since dec 24...:)
mikko_jau: kailan ba due yang paper mo?
mikko_jau: gano kahaba?
jomjoms: sa jan 3...
jomjoms: at least 15 pages....
jomjoms: tapos topic ko pa black madonna...
jomjoms: treacher assigned it
mikko_jau: what kind of a topic is that?
mikko_jau: hahajomjoms: kaya nga eh!!
jomjoms: poota!!!
jomjoms: sagwa ng topic!!!
mikko_jau: ilang sources kailangan niyo?
jomjoms: sabi nya 20...
jomjoms: tapos internet sources kailangan lifted from books...
jomjoms: poota...
mikko_jau: haha
jomjoms: shit dami!!!
jomjoms: eh ang sagwa ng topic..
.jomjoms: i just got 5!!!
jomjoms: so babalik pa ako ng national lib tom...
jomjoms: :((
mikko_jau: okay lang yan.,,
mikko_jau: hirapan na ba?
jomjoms: medyo....
jomjoms: pero as of now kaya pa..:)
jomjoms: nakakapagdota pa nga eh..:))
mikko_jau: DL ka ba nung 1st sem?
mikko_jau: tangina
mikko_jau: nagdo-DOTA ka?
mikko_jau: haha
jomjoms: oo nagdodota ako..:)
jomjoms: and im not a DL...
jomjoms: poota hirap sa upm noh!!!
jomjoms: mas mahirap pa sa up diliman
mikko_jau: oo nga daw
jomjoms: poota!!
jomjoms: 2.25 nga lang average ko eh!!
mikko_jau: eh diba good lang yun?
mikko_jau: i mean
mikko_jau: mataas na siya.
jomjoms: oo parang 83 sa lasalle
mikko_jau: okay na yun!
jomjoms: oo nga...:)
jomjoms: i aint complaing..:)
jomjoms: hindi naman kasi ako nagaaral eh...:))
mikko_jau: ayos
mikko_jau: boi
mikko_jau: i like your future :d
mikko_jau: haha
mikko_jau: joke lang
jomjoms: haha...:))
jomjoms: ok lang yan..:))
jomjoms: eh iba kong classmates nagaaral na minsan mas mataas pa ako..:))
mikko_jau: tangina
mikko_jau: ang yabang ni gago
jomjoms: haha..:)
mikko_jau: haha
jomjoms: magaling eh..:)
jomjoms: haha...:))
jomjoms: b4 nung break may 4 na tests kami...
mikko_jau: kami 3 lang..
mikko_jau: pero same banana
jomjoms: haha...:P
jomjoms: hindi ako nakapagaral..:)
jomjoms: alam mo ba day before nung exam...
mikko_jau: ano?
jomjoms: may hinatid pa akong cvlassmate..:)
mikko_jau: na*********** ka?
mikko_jau: yikee :x
jomjoms: gago!!!
jomjoms: hindi hinatid ko..:)
mikko_jau: B-) cool eh
jomjoms: and guess where..:))
mikko_jau: wait wait
mikko_jau: uhm, recto?
jomjoms: no...
jomjoms: you butt...!!!
jomjoms: further...
jomjoms: farther pala..:P
mikko_jau: caloocan?
mikko_jau: MCU?
mikko_jau: monumento?
jomjoms: no..
jomjoms: :P
mikko_jau: bulacan???
mikko_jau: my gad
mikko_jau: rizal?
jomjoms: marilao bulacan!!!
jomjoms: gawd!!!
mikko_jau: nag expressway ka pa?
jomjoms: poota!!!
jomjoms: oo!!!
mikko_jau: bakit>
mikko_jau: ?
mikko_jau: haha
jomjoms: uhmmm...
mikko_jau: ang bait mo namang kaibigan.
jomjoms: may migrainne sya...:)
jomjoms: eh hirap mag go home..:)
jomjoms: plus...:)
jomjoms: pooota...
jomjoms: :x
mikko_jau: ay poota
mikko_jau: anong :x
mikko_jau: ****?
mikko_jau: joke lang.
mikko_jau: kayo na?
mikko_jau: my gad
jomjoms: no...
mikko_jau: congrats!!!!!
jomjoms: lovestruck you butt!!!
jomjoms: no hindi pa kami gago!!!
jomjoms: ako p..
jomjoms: torps eh..:)
mikko_jau: ulol!
mikko_jau: pero hinahatid mo?
jomjoms: oo nga...
jomjoms: oo naman..:)
mikko_jau: ibang klase ka rin pala eh
mikko_jau: yaman sa gas ah!
jomjoms: haha...:))
jomjoms: gagao...
jomjoms: patay nga eh..:))
jomjoms: haha...:))
mikko_jau: mahal ba full tank ng CRV?
jomjoms: 1.5k
jomjoms: spent 200 sa gas and 100 sa toll..:))
mikko_jau: mura ah.
mikko_jau: i mean
mikko_jau: yung full tank..
jomjoms: havent really tried emptying it and full tanking it..
jomjoms: so probably 15 k..
jomjoms: 1.5k
mikko_jau: ahh..
jomjoms: well gtg...
jomjoms: need to fetch family from movies...:(
mikko_jau: sige driver.
mikko_jau: mauna na ho kayo
jomjoms: poota!!
jomjoms: shaadap!!
jomjoms: :P
mikko_jau: lolo montalban :))
mikko_jau: =))
jomjoms: poota!!!
jomjoms: fil is that you??
jomjoms: :))
mikko_jau: sige tsong
mikko_jau: alis ka na
mikko_jau: baka madali sa traffic
jomjoms: cge...:)
jomjoms: yup..:)
jomjoms: sigurado!!
mikko_jau: ingat
jomjoms: :)

that was not very brain draining, was it?

2005-12-23T19:28:00.000+08:00

langit-lupa-sinong taya?

did you remember? i did. fcuk the smooth song, the champagne supernova song and the candy shop song. but i like them except the last one at least. can coordination and smoothness just please die and do us all a favor. (wow, so much pent up angst. arg)

dig it up in your brain. you know what im talking about. remember the cold floor? the misty door? how about the strong tunes that rocked the walls? start remembering. do you remember the tears? do you remember the endless winding road? the stick that you carried as you pranced? then came probably a call. then the spool or crimson. i remember. crimson was the color of the day. all of this was just destined to go up in smoke. *poof*

how can you forget. i know i didn't. remember the explosion? remember the crumbling rocks that tumbled upon the bedside? remember the rough beginnings of that so-called life. (this one makes me laugh) remember the broken words? all those broken chords of melody? remember the shattered piece of music that you once orchestrated?

and of course comes the dirge. the road twisted to the dark sunset, allowing the night to envelope the mutilated corpse. (much much angst kept pent up) dying was something you did not ask for but you wanted to away. dead people are at peace, either superficially or spiritually.
you were ready for the burial. do you remember the first few grains of soil that graced your coffin? then came the tumbles of earth that housed you till God knows only when.

then came dark mornings and sunny nights. stop. sunny mornings and dark nights.

be real. be yourself.

be angsty. be cool. loser.

squared. circled. whatever.

ha. you're it. one last time.

forgive this entry.

2005-12-17T17:52:00.000+08:00

i had this dream some six months ago.

could you believe it? i can't.

okay here goes...

see, we're listening to this talk thing being held in school. at this point of time, i know its impossible and is never gonna happen. but it happens anyway. confusing? yes. so, again, we're listening to some boring talk when all of a sudden i slip my hand on your forearm, an you don't react whatsoever. as the talk continues, i feel my hand slowly sliding to your palm, at this point i myself am numb to what im doing. (imagine: pakipot hawak kamay movie scenes..) until in one moment, so unexpected, i intertwine my hands in yours. you're shocked. i'm shocked. you say it can't be. i say that too. but who cares? its just us right? its as if from the start it had to happen. this had to happen. we had to happen. and it did.

i still can't believe it.

2005-12-11T21:35:00.000+08:00

here you go.

let's see.

friday. after school, went to greenhills to yet again watch a movie. WARNING: the fog is much more crappier than the cave. so after that, went to theatre mall to window shop with the girlfriend (hi viva!). ended up spending 200 to buy her a pair of pants, but its okay, i love her naman eh. (haha. cheesy) so after that we went to floyd's and we had our usual. sweety-sweety in floyd's then i went home. arriving home, i found mga 7 cars parked in front of our house. great. so after parking, i proceeded to devour the catered food we had then made friends with pareng kopuyoc (or copuyok?), yeah, we played basketball and guess what, i had an allergy attack after. so my face was all puffed up with random blots of protruding skin poking out of my fecial dermis, plus the random red spots that i had. (think hitch) so we went to buy medicine, then crashed the bed and hit the stars.. (pauso ko. haha)

saturday. watched a play in ateneo, nasaan si kaliwete. RECOMMENDED: Sepharad, a play about stalin and hitler. cool. two thumbs up. so after that went back home to meet up with jay, supposed to go to metrwalk, but traffic was death, sa proceeded to go to jay's house, only to again leave going to rockwell to eat in tokyo tokyo. had dessert in mcdo then left to go to metrowalk. had shisha in behrouz. 200 bucks, gad. then went to starbucks and talked about "the dream"

here is "the dream":

MAY 31, 2007. by that time, we, "da bois" plus hopefully wellman, will go to a dinner buffet (tentative: circles), each of us having a girl with us. after the whole event, we will take a picture with a caption: "we've matured"

pathetic? no.

so continuing on my saturday escapade, i went home around 4 am, talked with viva till around 6. was sweety-sweety , lovey lovey. hehe. cheesy again. then slept.

the girlfriend. 5 months. 103 months and counting. its been truly amazing. you're interesting beyond reason. ill never get tired of you. we be blitzing on and on. dire-diretso na to...

2005-12-03T11:34:00.001+08:00

its been amazing. *im quoting this line from someone's palanca.

yes, it has been amazing.

sometimes, at random points of the day i swear i can still smell the hot humid air of our caf. our caf. if i get lucky i might even here the constant bickering of those around me, whether it be about the consecuitve failure of math tests or about a certain teacher who happens to teach filipino, with a big mole covering her right eye (or was it the left?). but most of the time, im not so lucky. i content myself with the smell, the feel, the good ol' feel of highschool spirit. there's nothing more better, sometimes, than to just to be in that spur of moment, probably in our case, the pota-pare-magmamath-na-give-me-your-assignment-ill-finish-it-in-3minutes. it sometimes so exhilerating this, moment, its at this point in our lives that everything seems to stop, despite all external forces coniving against you, you feel nothing can go wrong, that in the next 3 minutes you're gonna accomplish what you need to do, that you dont have to worry whether the teacher's here or something like that, you're gonna make it.

the thrill is never gone. until today, i feel the same ecstaticness i felt the past 12 years of my life. waking up to the bright sun, then finding myself being bathed under the sun and walking to the same old concrete green and white structure we called "our second home." the door knob would always be cold, but the warmth of the people inside balance out the initial cold feel. (aww.)

i miss them guys. no conventional words documented can ever solidly describe my class. (aww again) now, who in the world would ever accept the word "bah." this "bah" word does go a long way, whether it be used to simply irritate one's seatmate or be used as a term of immense frustrtaion. "bah", founded by the once great Joel Sy (yes once, although he always is still great in our hearts. aww... or not.), or how can we forget the person who seemingly lacks a brain? or maybe the dude who thought the spelling of the "christmas" was "christmass"? no one can of course forget the gay tandem that used to lurk the back of the class, or even the skeleton that lingered on a dark cold corner. these are all unforgettable. truly, memories that will last a lifetime.

its so hard to end entires like this, because there's too much to say and maybe its just so hard to say it. but nonetheless, it has to end. and sadly, when everything supposedly ended on that faithful day on the twentieth of march, i felt no ending, no beginning, nothing. it only felt as if it would go on and on and on... but everything has to stop, at one point or another, and it did stop, yes it did. but sometimes what others don't know that it is still alive, and it is still going on and on and on... its amazing. its been amazing. my, our, 2nd family.

cheers!

2005-11-26T17:35:00.000+08:00

i miss highschool.

i remember me and Jay mentionong to each other how star wars (revenge of the sith) would mark the nearness of college. and so inevitable came and passed. one sem is over, but still, every now and then i'd feel nostalgic about the fact that highschool has fled. it seems i haven't fully gotten over the everyday fun that highschool brought, the intense friendship bonds and the nonstop laughtrips.

oh, highschool. it seems that so much was felt with little time to encompass it.

i remember graduation day.

wait, i don't want to remember that.

hail to thee our alma mater...
hail! hail! hail!

2005-11-21T18:17:00.000+08:00

i looked back.

walking around the colorful array of lights, sounds and the squibbles of the sweaty little children. the bursts of laughter, the intensity of the crowd despite the calm grey sky overhead. the wind blowing against the faces of the eager children, waiting for their time, waiting for their moment. it pleases me that these children are so happy, just as i am myself. i never was meant to be here, coming back from the hospital, my stomach craved for a rice in a box. (and my stomach almost always gets what it wants). so i am here. standing on the pale grass of what's supposed to be a baseball field. everything actually is all too the same. as is every year for that matter. but now, here, its different. the leaves are where they are but they swing to a different wind. the laughter and chattering are all the same but they are toned to a different melody. yes, it is different.

who said the dark was never meant to be chartered? well, i say it is.
so how's 4th year? well, its okay, harder than 3rd year.

i looked back, to the lights, laughter and chatter, was, then, proceeded to the dull light of a bright fluorescent on top of the guardhouse.

hello mom.

2005-11-19T17:30:00.000+08:00

i look up at the ceiling, bobing my head against my pillow, i want to be taken away.

flashback.

it's bedtime. i lay down beside my mom, on my usual place. i put the sheets over my head, as i usually did. it was at this time, that at a young tender age, that i would have my own personal moments of thought, which i would eventually call "emo". yes, funny that despite being so young and futile, i would already have emo moments. i remember replaying the song "incomplete" inside my head over and over again, offering it up to, uhm, my future woman (whoever that was at that time. haha) i used to portray myself as guys in the movies, the passionate romantics who would sweep women off their feet with relative ease. *egad. i could never imagine myself sweeping any woman, besides, everytime i was around women, i usually get scared, stutter then calmy move away. this was how, i guess, i felt that i would never be able to get a woman for myself. (yeah, i was quite ambitious as a child, i wanted to marry someone as soon as i was 12) but of course all my passionate dreams melted whenever i would see myself "crumbling" at the moment of truth. i would hide my head below my sheets and occasionally bob my head up to see my mom or brother sleeping beside me. i liked it that i was the only one awake. it invigorated me that i was now the only one, let's say, "alive". at this point of time, i feel so superior, i feel like i rule. but my kingdom would soon be shortlived as i find myself surrendering to the envelope of darkness.

my days back then, (summer '02) were one of the most emo days.

end flashback.