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Wednesday, July 21, 2010
the oxymoron man.
loathe, everyone always feels
the same about this, however you
stand out of the rest, in the battlefield,
on one side, is vile and repulsive,
on the other, is keen and full of acumen,
and these two they fail to marry, no one ever sees
how this battle can be won.
but i can.
people fail to look
past, that in your masterplan, this
is how everything should fall into
place, because you were never
concerned about what they
though about anyway, and you shouldn't.
because, that's the right way,
it never was easy, and to go where you're going,
it didn't call for easy,
from before until now, easy was never the case,
you learned it sooner,
and the sooner, you also gain.
you can be one and the other.
that's just really fantastic.
no bullshit.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Sometimes the world plays tricks with our beings. It tells us to do certain things which we are afraid of. Things that we may have forgotten or simply trampled upon in our fast paced lives. Things that have been pushed back deep into our minds for us to remain in solace, to remain comfortable with how things are. Undisturbed.
And funny enough, the world is not alone. Popular concepts like fate and destiny take their turn to scream into ou ears, barging into our heads to give us ideas, thoughts, scenarios and words we never knew we could muster, utter or feel.
***
Through all the treasured words and pictures, our memories, there stands one. The night’s solemnity becomes unbearable once I realize that I am alone. The silence, the tranquility, freezes and covers me. And there are times that I simply fall down, feeling my body against the ground. Images escape how I mustered to get back up at my feet. I remember trying to find the moon, only to realize that it isn’t there, something seems to be covering it. I can feel it close to me. As it was always.
For and through the darkness, something must be said.
Then as I stand up, far away I can see the sun rising. It feels like I just woken up. I’m not sure how long my slumber was. But there’s that heavy feeling you get once you over or under-sleep. My head is aching. Blurry, messed and tossed up. A twisted haze of simple colors. Yet so rejuvenating. As if comfort. It looks like it’s similar to all the rest when it wasn’t. It never was.
And when the light shone trough, be ready to reach it.
I try to get by the day, a moment at a time. Everything around me suddenly seems slower as it should be. I try crying out to where I need to go, to who I need to find. Yet there is only silence for me. And again, I couldn’t help but feel alone. Indeed, everything was the same. For so long, it seemed that I had refused to accept that. But really, I already knew. I knew nearly everything. But it wasn’t enough to move anywhere.
For all the words, unspoken moments and quiet memories, make them all last.
And the day ends with me realizing that nighttime will come again. Darkness and solemnity will once more envelope and consume myself until I simply feel loneliness. I am dreading that moment, each and every night. Like a fire that keeps burning. Holding it up against the night, still, it remains really dark. And yet, there’s really no better way to end it all.
And when the fire pushes to the brink, be ready not to fall.
In the quiet nighttime sky, we see a lot of small dots. Some may be stars, some are not. And some of these heavenly bodies may still be alive, and some not. But in simply taking the entire sky as a whole, looking at each small dot sparkle in its own right and place, just realizing the entire symmetry of everything, how it may seem to have been individually woven in their places, there’s beauty, continuity, stability some and peace. And yet, there still lingers confusion and loneliness. And just like the dots in the sky that glow and sparkle, we. You.
Right or wrong reasons, just give it chance.
***
And even though the whole world starts screaming and hurling all their crazy words and ideas at you. And even though you feel it’s fate and destiny finally taking over to shape your life and path. And even though you feel that it’s the right thing to do. The thing you’ve been wanting to do ever since.
When all of this starts to happen, and these thoughts, scenarios and words are right in front of your face, and you start to take slow, timed breaths. Running in your head is that chance, the possibility of rightness, of happiness. What now?
Even if it really hurts a lot, sometimes, what you need to do is simply say, no, and walk away.
Leaving it all behind.
Friday, June 06, 2008
we've come to a point wherein the stoplights blink red and where them old rusty doors seem to just not open anymore. we slam oursleves against the glass only to feel the cold moist seep in through our cheek as we try to desperately grasp what's left of the heat outside. yes, we have reached the end. and right now, it's still too surreal. the emotions. its like, a rollercoaster, a tilt-a-whirl, spinning, zooming, stopping, freezing, burning, then there is nothingness. and it seems that the life within ourselves has been sucked out by the eternal darkness that is nothingness. we're stuck. and we probably knew that from the start. but as always, we had hoped otherwise. and we failed.
yes. we have failed to realize why we were here. or for the better part, what is it out there, that people say, is the "so-called better"? we have come to be familiarized with so many different names, symbols, acronyms, meanings, but in the end, all, if not a majority of us, look back, then we try to smile, but only to feel the weight of what we have become, drowning our smile and pulling our joys apart. and we can only whimper, "why? how? where? when?" and as we come back to our senses, fuly realizing that which is inevitable, the apparent end, for now, of our so-called web, of our so-called everyday-ness, of our so-called-mundane-ness. it disappoints us that we haven't seen the big picture.
we have been accustomed to paying attention to details, then putting them together. we take a second to look back, breathe in what we have, piece everything mentally, analyzing whether all of it is in its rightful place. then there we have it, a realization, an understanding, a belief, a principle, a goal, an ambition, a direction, a way. but of course, we have also come to realize that the system in its own way is flawed. well, isn't everything on its own? but this is how we have come to grow up and how we have come to approach life.
and as we repeat, its disappointing. it's sad that for once, when we see the big picture, we don't find anything. there seems to be no path or direction, realization or understanding that would serve deepen even a small part of ourselves. maybe its the sight of seeing others so comfortable that prevents us from seeing what we really need to see. and i know that there's something more than what i have here. there's something to practically everything before me. for a while, we stop and consider, we close our eyes, we hear our breaths slowly escape our nostrils, only to be consumed in the air, then we feel the air brush by our skin, like a soft baby's touch, we feel a little lighter, a little happier... it happens around us. always. it does. and it really blows our minds off. we are confused.
we had hoped to find the answers. we had hoped to shed light on that which we question. but now what we have is a divided front. two sides the prove to have stable foundations.
i know what i want, and where i will go. it is just waiting for me, and i am eager to see it.
i know what i want, and i don't know where i'll go. i believe that nothing and something waits for me out there. there is hope.
there always was and then. there always will be and now.
and now, the big question looms like it hasn't before.
where?
Saturday, May 17, 2008
the moments were there. they've always been. it all started on that summer of '06. i had become delusional. too good for my own sakes. and yet it remained but a dream, a figment of my faded imagination at least at that time. i had other things to be preoccupied with. and come to think of it, that time, it wasn't a dream. more like of a solution to what had been going on. i felt that it needed to be done to get out of that big rut that i dug myself in. it felt like a last resort but i knew it'd never be possible for the fact that it had never been done before. and though it'd come up here and there, it'd get shut down by the powers that be. it frustrates me sometimes but that's how life plays, right? yeah, it is. i've learned to downplay life and in the process pass by some bumps that may have worked to my advantage. but, stubborness goes into play. yes, i am stubborn, i dream, but it sometimes gets stuck in dreamland, never actually realizing it. i fool myself that someday it is going to happen. i even imagine it to the last detail. and usually it goes like this.
they loom, and i am but a small being. it is true, i am small compared to these giants. and pitiful me, i look left, i look right, no one. the air is thick and breaths are short and quick. im not used to it. i look to my left again, but this time not in search for someone. the lights give me the ray of hope that all this might not be too bad after all. and i still think of the chances of some serendipitous moment happening. it all sounds encouraging. but let's face the facts. i am alone. there is no one. no one. everyone has become but blocks and pixels. the events that i am familiar become but snippets. small tiny isolated events that have lost all their spirit and vigor. and yet i live with these things. too much, too much for an already troubled mind. i concentrate back to looking at my sides. im waiting. its been far too long. its been long due. but i deserve it. i knew it had to come down to this. besides, everything was pointing at this direction, and it's right that i actually go. and here i am, its all too surreal, something i could never imagine or comprehend. am i home? my breaths escape, and for a while, im frozen still. and the only warmth running through my body comes from the tune that i knew would be playing when i'm here. as i said, its been long due, and it still hasn't settled in me. .... lalala.... we took the U-bahn...
And there it goes. again and again. i know it too well. too well.
but then again, it saddens me. it does, really. it draws closer, and i feel it impending. and weirdly, i think it's all becoming real. slowly, slowly. it's possible.
and there's nothing that's going to stop me. there should be nothing at least. i don't intensely desire many things. come to think of it, this is the only thing that i feel such.
whether that's good or bad, we're not too sure. i'll find out soon. real real soon.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
against the backdrop that looms before me. it was all once but a dream. and now i am here, standing before the long road that goes home. eventually it should at least. i remember the faint stories people used to tell me, of the limitless opportunities and the endless seasons. it all repeats itself too many times but you learn to love it. have i loved it?
i tell myself i do and yet there's this little voice in my head that tells me that this isnt where i'm going to end up. maybe. yet i still don't know. sometimes i wonder whether i may just be forcing myself to ride that train and get off to where people believe i should be. and i believed with them. i squeezed myself like a sardine in the can and beared the toils of the world with my fellow man. and yes, i did feel one with them. the rays of the sun shimmering on my skin. its very hot these days but we've got to do what he have to do. and that's how it all goes for us. and just like the stories of before, pretty endlessly really. we don't see it, but it's that way. all the movements, up, down, left, right, it doesn't matter. we all get stuck in that web and even though we reach the end of it, we find ourself going back the center, amongst the tangles, shambles, tears and laughs. and with them i wonder, is that all that we can do? is that all we can ever hope for? there has got to be another way. i always felt that there is another way. someone used to make me believe that i wasn't cut out, that there really existed another ecosystem, another life force outside of that web we all get tangled in.
and for a while i believed, i really did, changing how i viewed the world completely. that our fates should never be tied up to that web. deceit, lies, confidentiality, seperate functioning spheres of the life stream, and we hurl ourselves into all that. we never know what to expect but we have an inkling that this and that is gona happen. and thinking of all these things makes me squirm but there is no room to do so. and just like the web, there isn't any room sometimes, there's this dead end wall and as much as we all try to scale it we slam back to the cold floor, the warmth escaping our veins and then we become similar to all those lifeless, cold spheres. we all become silhouettes of what we used to be, fire, fuel, hope, change.
and as the train nears its stop, one by one, we file out of our confines, only to be confined yet again. where did it all go wrong? how does hardhip beget more hardship? where has the indefiniteness gone in all of us?
i don't have the answers right now, but i hope to get them after a month's time.
Saturday, April 05, 2008
somber, broken, faint, fake goodbyes.
the world turns and im stuck. to where? to how? to why? i didn't force myself to wake up each day that it would all finally come into place. cause i always knew it'd all work anyway. and when that day came, same as every other day, i was ready as always. it all faded away. where has everything gone to? as swift as smoke, it vanishes to thin air. vanishing to thin air as well.
and until now. it shall not be spoken.
***
it's 11:30pm and im still here in the airport. the flight was supposed to leave 2 hours ago. who knows what time i'll get back and get away.